May6

Bullet Proof

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I just returned from my 4 mile run; music in my ears and at least 5-6 dances choreographed in my head during that time.  The curve ball came at me again today.  Not that I let it hit me.  It grazed me a bit, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around it, not literally of course:)

I have taught for almost 30 years and had planned on retiring after next year.  I have it all planned out, it’s in my head; I’m done.  I’ll miss the teaching part of it all, but not the politics that go with it.  Teaching has changed so much over the last 30 years.

 

Sadly my ex husband gets a portion of my retirement even though he only worked 2 years out of the 10 we were married.  I know, it’s usually the man who gets screwed, so they say.  If he truly deserved it, then I wouldn’t be so indifferent about it.  I worked hard for the money I put in there.  I got my masters as a single parent without any help from him and moved forward with my career just so he could get more money from me?  What’s wrong with this picture?   Well, I can’t live off of what would be left if he gets a percentage of my benefits every month.  So… I worked out a 2 year plan where I would give him a lump sum plus some interest and then I would be able to live off of my monthly benefits.  He agreed.  I was having paper work drawn up to put it all in writing, make it legal and then I was hit or grazed by his backing out of my proposal.    He actually used my daughter to convey his message to me.  What a coward.  Okay, a little cynical there, I know.  I’m trying to be nice here.

This means I cannot retire.  At first,  I cried.  I was mad, angry, and life isn’t fair and all of that.  But as I was running, I decided  I will go to him with another plan.  What I don’t understand is he is in bad health.  If I don’t retire then he doesn’t get any money until I do.  So why not take it now; in a lump sum while he has time to spend it? But all of his ”buddies” are telling him that I’m screwing him.  REALLY??? Hmmmmmm.  He doesn’t work and is on disability.  So we are all paying for him one way or another.  His disability is due to his careless way of living.  He is the father of my children and I do not wish any harm on him.  I don’t want my children losing their father at such a young age. I have always treated him fair.  I’ve visited him on many of his hospital stays, I’ve taken care of his house; I’m just too nice.  I thought he would work with me. I guess I underestimated him.  He hasn’t really changed in 25 years.  I’m not giving up yet.

I have prayed about It.  And really, at this point it’s in God‘s hands.  It will work out the way God has it planned.  I don’t want to spend anymore negative energy on him or the situation.  So I will give it a few days and address it again.  God will help me say the right thing:)

So… as the song says, “I am Titanium, I am bullet Proof.”

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I look out my office window and there is my bird.  Singing to me during a troubled moment.  The same bird that sang to me 2 years ago when that whopper of a curve ball hit me square between the eyes.  It seems to come around when things are a little rough.  It’s just about dark out.  Aren’t the birds supposed to be tucked inside their homes?  I’ve always imagined that maybe it’s my father or an angle watching over me.  But what ever he is, he followed me to my new apartment.  So sing away; I’m listening.

 

My faith in God will carry me through.  It always does!

Keep hiking to the top!

Kimberly Rae

May5

The Music Within

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When times are tough, rough, exhausting, never-ending… We all turn to something (hopefully not the bottle or pills)  to escape for a moment, an hour, or a day.  Music has been one of my favorite ways to go to another place without really leaving.  I’ve always been able to feel the music; the heartbeat of the song.  I move to it naturally as if I’m on a cloud; no walls or things to hold me back.

I don’t play an instrument.  I can’t read notes.  But I feel in my heart and soul the music being played.  When I’m facing a difficult situation or dealing with some of the things I’ve written about, I put on my music and I choreograph and dance in my head.  My small apartment doesn’t give me the space I need to really move around and dance as the music fills the room, but I’m definitely in another place for the 3 minutes that the song is playing.

When I was  younger, much younger, to help erase some of the bad things that had happened to me, I would put on the vinyl.  The crackling sound as the needle touches the grooves; all part of the experience of listening to great music.  Besides my faith in God, I would have to say that music has been my saving grace.  Poetry set to  music.  There is nothing better; at least not for me:)

I have been fortunate in my life to have had a few great friends who have introduced me to a plethora of different artists and sounds.  I have one friend who continues to send me great music as he finds what moves him.  We share back and forth.  Thanks to technology:)

Sometimes a song can speak to you like no other.  I often times think that God put certain songs into my life to send me a message.  Some make you think, relax, laugh, smile, or cry.  Music can do all that.  It has always been uplifting to me.  My mood can change just by listening to a song.

So when you’re feeling down or depressed, play a song, listen to one and let it light up your soul and put a smile on your face.  Let it take you to your happy place, like it does for me.

The music is all around us.  All you have to do is listen.

Keep hiking to the top!

Kimberly Rae

May4

Apology

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As I re read my blog from yesterday on Social Media, I realized I needed to apologize to my readers.  As this a form of social media I felt like my comments about my Ex’s girlfriend and what she did to me was a bit harsh.  My intention was to show how social media can be hurtful.  I didn’t want my tone to be negative, angry, or hurtful towards anyone.  I’m not here to slam anyone or put them down.  I can’t explain her actions or his.  But I can keep them in my prayers.  I don’t harbor any ill feelings for either of them.  They have their life and I have mine.  And I’m kind of liking my life:)  We all stumble and fall in plain sight for God to see.  But if we let him, he will pick us right back up and show us the way.

May you all have a blessed Sunday!

Kimberly Rae

May4

Social Media???

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How do you view social media?  Is it a good thing or not?  I think we have arrived at a point where we can’t live without it, but what has it done to us as a society, as individuals, and to our relationships?  Do we talk face to face anymore?  How many of us have been misunderstood through a text? because we can’t hear the tone in the others voice or we misread the tone and now we are hurt and embarrassed because we responded inappropriately.  I could go on, you all know what it’s like; we’ve all been there.

I have mixed feelings.  I use social media.  I have a web site, a blog, a twitter account, Google plus account, a Facebook account, and more. They have helped me get my word out, to voice my views on education, and just to keep up with all my friends.  But with all that comes very little privacy.  Just about anyone can find me, read up on me and even stalk me.  (Which has happened)  But do I give it up.  NO

It has also hurt me.  Due to the numerous ways to communicate incognito, I had no idea that the person in my last relationship was secretly communicating with someone else.  He had another phone number, and another email address.  So I trusted him because he would leave everything up on our joint computer and I certainly didn’t see anything to cause alarm until he accidentally left the email account up I didn’t know about.  BUSTED!  and hurt:(  After he left with the other woman, she would anonymously send messages on my phone and to my Facebook page just to hurt me and to let me know that HE was hers.  Like that didn’t hurt?  So then you try to unfriend all those people you are connected to so you don’t have to see all of their SH%* because you are trying to move away from your past life with someone you thought you could trust.  PHEWWWW!  That’s a lot of work.  And look how much stress it can cause you.  It certainly has caused me a lot.

Just a few days ago I posted about the message that came across my phone that hurt me again.  WHY?  We don’t face our nemesis we hide behind social media.  I would really like for her to tell me face to face all the crap she has sent me over the past year and half.  I, however, have never sent a word to her.  The hurtful things she has sent my way don’t deserve a response; or my time or energy.  I’m not saying that I haven’t been hurt, enraged, or reacted from them.  But she doesn’t know that.  I’m mad at myself for letting this last one get to me.  I think it was just part of the crappy day I was having.

So I choose to use social media in a positive way.  When I’m out with someone, I am not texting someone else or that person.  I like the face to face conversation with another human being.  I won’t use it to hurt someone else or to spy on them.  There should be social media etiquette.  And maybe there is an unwritten one.  Not sure many use it.  Just saying.

I use it to empower, enlighten, and to encourage others.

So… how does social media play a role in your life?  Think about the next time you are out.  How many times do you look at your phone or message someone while you are with someone else.  How many people are you checking out, spying on or sending nasty anonymous messages to?   Something to think about:)  How many of you are hiding behind the mask of social media?  Don’t be afraid to be who you are; FACE TO FACE!

Keep hiking to the top!

Kimberly Rae

 

Thanks to my friend for giving me the idea for this post:)

 

 

 

 

 

May1

Stumbling and Hurt

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I will apologize right up front because today my blog may not be as uplifting  as they usually are.  I am usually a very  positive person; encourager, motivator, a good friend.  I don’t have to work at it, it just comes naturally.  I enjoy smiling everyday and helping others see their potential.  But now I need a friend.  I wish I had someone to hold me and encourage me right now.

Today for me was a positive one as I was with my students.  I got crazy stupid, made them laugh and we had a good time.  But when reality hit and it hit hard today, the laughter disappeared  and I fought to find that smile.  I was played by 3 different people; my Principal, a new friend, and the man from my past.  A triple whammy, all in the matter of a few hours.  I’ve been told that my kind, generous nature will be taken advantage of often.  I’m just too trusting and I truly believe people when they tell me something.  I did a good deed for someone yesterday only to be denied  as his friend today; as any trace of me has been erased from the public eye.  I think that says a lot even if that wasn’t the intention.  Not sure what’s up with that, but it did sting a little.

I was moved to 2nd grade for next year( a grade I’ve never taught in my life) because the teacher she wanted to put there who is of the same faith and has a prominent name in the community wouldn’t never teach primary, we can’t have her unhappy so let’s move Kim, even though it’s her last year of teaching.  And then,  I saved the best for last, I was told my last relationship was a farce and I was just being used until the right one came along; and that  I had prepared him for the love of his life.  He was the Love of my life.  Like that didn’t hit me below the belt.  Why can’t people just be honest?

So… I feel very used, abused, stepped on, pounded, chewed, then spit back out.  I was misled.   They were not  on the up and up with me.  They skirted around the truth.  Yeah, I think that about sums it up!!!  I’m feeling really good right now, can you tell?  I’m great with sarcasm!!!

It hurts me to see other people hurting, so I reach out.  It’s just a natural way with me.  I listen and share what I know.  I feel their pain, I know their pain.  I should know by now that I will eventually  just be tossed aside.  But I will continue to help others because it is who I am.  I am a great teacher and I didn’t want my last year to be at a grade level I know nothing about.  I can’t teach and be who I am as a teacher with 2nd graders.  They are too young to have the great conversations I have, to understand the lessons in life I teach.  I’m sad because I feel like I have to become someone I’m not to teach this grade level; all because I don’t have that important name; I’m not part of that religion.  And then to think that 6 years of your life you were with a man who didn’t really want you?  The tears have flowed and my stomach is in knots.

So as I scroll through my Facebook page and see all the pics from Oregon, and Glacier.  I want to be there.  I want to escape from all the crap and just start over.  Beam me up Scotty!!!  Like Now!!!!

But instead, I will cry a little more, and then hit the gym and pretend I’m on that mountain with nothing but God‘s beauty surrounding me.  True friends welcome:)

Tomorrow is another day.  YEAH!!!

I’m still hiking to the top.  I just stumbled a bit today.

 

Kimberly Rae

Apr30

Passion is Power

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As we struggle through difficult times, it’s hard to see where we are going or what we really want to do.  When I find myself in this place, I ask myself, What do I think about when I’m day dreaming?  Where am I the happiest and who am I with?  It’s really about your passion for what you love to do.  So many of us think we can’t live out our passions.  I say why?

When I was born my mother said I came out of the womb dancing.   I always loved the dance.  My mother introduced me to classical music and when she played it, I would choreograph my own dances at the age of 5. She made me my own netted ballerina skirt.  I felt like a dancer when I had it on.   Dance lessons were too expensive back then.  Although we lived comfortably it wasn’t an expense we could afford.  When my parents divorced when I was 9, dance lessons were for sure out of the question.  But I didn’t give up.  I listened to music and danced anywhere I could.  We lived in a small 650 sq. ft. apt. but I still found room to dance.  I would watch the ballets on channel 8 and read and look at pictures.  Dancing and books were my escape from reality.     I practiced all the time.  I could do all those beautiful moves but had no idea how to name them.  French words were not a part of my vocabulary. Oh, I knew the basics, Plié,  Jete, releve, arabesque and the list goes on.  But I knew how to move and flow with the music.

When I was 16 and driving, I took my first ballet class.  I saved my hard-earned money from babysitting and my first job.  It was one of the most special days of my life, when I  walked into that studio with my leotard and ballet shoes on,  and looked at myself in that great big mirror.  Wow!!  I had made it!  Of course I started in the beginning class because I had never had any formal training, but I was quickly moved up as my years of practice on my own brought me in as a 3rd year student.  I was on point in no time and dancing like the ballerina’s I had seen on T.V. years ago.

Did I go on and become a prima ballerina?  NO.  But my passion for what I loved to do which was dance brought me to that euphoric place that I had only dreamed of.  I still dance today in the privacy of my home.  It is such a freeing feeling to just let go and let your body move with the music.  It brings me to my happy place:)

So what are you passionate about?  What makes you happy and brings a smile to your face?  That’s the direction you need to be moving in.  Read about it, learn, and do it!!!!  Nothing is stopping you but you.

As always, keep hiking to the top!

 

Kimberly Rae

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Apr28

What is Your Missing Piece?

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What is keeping you from moving forward with your life?  A question we all need to ask ourselves from time to time.  Many times we think we are on our way when the quick sand of life keeps dragging us down and we don’t even know it.  And then we wonder why nothing seems to be going right, you’ve lost your focus, your partner leaves you, and life just seems pretty crappy.

We can’t blame others for our messed up reality.  We played a part in there somewhere.  The difficult part is looking deep within to find out what YOUR part was.

What’s holding you back?  It could be small piece you haven’t dealt with or it could be a series of things that you’ve just let go in hopes that it would all go away.

Family is important and when we lose that connection to some of our family our life does suffer.  We say it doesn’t, we blame them, they just don’t get it….  I could go on, couldn’t I?  But that’s a big chunk of who we are.  Pretending they don’t exist or shutting them out of our life is making our life that much better????  I think not.

The hardest part is looking in the mirror, is forgiving, saying your are sorry; all of it.  No one said living your life was going to be a piece of cake.  I am a firm believer that we need to heal the hurt inside of us before we can truly move on.  Is there someone in your life that you need to reconnect with?  Say your sorry to? or Forgive?  Sometimes you just need to let things go in order to reconnect.  Get that part of you that is lost, back.  Don’t say, “It’s not a big deal.” or “He/She won’t listen to me.”  How do you know? They may be hoping you take the first step.   Everything is worth one try at least.

Stand up! Take the first step to get back your missing piece.  Your life is waiting:)9578_10151526738347384_1589932247_n

 

As always, keep hiking to the top!

Kimberly Rae