Letting Them Go…

Losing friends through a difficult time in your life is never easy.  I know, I lost a few good friends along my healing journey.  I believe they just were not able to listen to my hurt and pain any longer.  They had to do what they needed to do to continue on their journey in life.  And that has to be okay.  We all need to take care of who we are.  I know it took me a long time to get over my past relationship.  But when you make that many memories with someone, it just doesn’t go away overnight.

I still miss them.  There are times I wish I could just call them up and share some of my exciting growth news since I am in a great place in my life. But I can’t and I won’t.  I respect their decision and what they had to do for themselves.   They did help me a lot, especially during some of my roughest hours.  They played a part in my healing and now I must let them go.

I am  on a new journey now and we will make new friends.    It’s all part of the growth that takes place as we move on with our life.   We have to let some things go in order to bring on the new.  For some, the journey has just begun.  Enjoy all that it brings:)

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae

Somewhere Over the Rainbow…

Somewhere over the rainbow…  I know it’s just a song, but how many of us grew up with the notion that dreams really do come true?   Yours truly:)  Yes, I know, I’m a hopeless romantic. I blame my parents, they made me watch the Wizard of Oz every year it came on.  My mother read me every fairytale.  I was in love with  princes.  They would always rescue me when my life got rough and I got scared.  My dreams saved me.  And then reality hit.  “What do you mean there aren’t any handsome princes????”  Who is going to save me???  Ahhh, the burning question.  The answer is, I have to save myself.  I  can’t  depend on someone else or a fictional dream. That has only confused my psyche on what is real and what is pretend.

In my last relationship, I always said he was my handsome prince.  He rescued me from my self-doubt, pity, you name it.  I fell in love deeply.  Like I did in my dreams.  I had my fairytale, so I thought.  Or was I just living in a false reality?

I find myself still sitting at the beginning of the rainbow.  I want a relationship, I think I’m ready for one, but nothing is happening.  I can’t seem to take a step.  A friend sent me the saying below and it gave me a jolt.  He is still on my mind.  Not on purpose.  I don’t want him to be.  I have moved on.  I go about my life doing many things.  So why is he still in the deep recesses of my thoughts??

Screenshot_2014-03-20-17-09-41~2

Is this why I can’t seem to get to the other side?  I think he will always  have a special place in my heart.  He was my prince after all:)  But I can go on.  I have gone on.  I don’t want him back.  The man he has become is not someone I would even entertain.    Maybe I’m afraid to see what is  on the other side of the rainbow.  I must be guarding my heart.  I have to take the armor off or I’ll never get to the other side.  Then I think, maybe I had my one chance at true love and that is all I get.   I guess I’ll never know until I tear the walls down and start journeying over that rainbow.  God has my back.  I do believe he has a great plan for me.  I secretly hope  someone to share my life with is part of the plan:):)

 

“Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true.”

I’ll keep you posted:):)

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae

Moving Forward and Accepting the Past.

 

Time has passed.

you left my world,

my space, my heart

but…

you are still here.

Part of you will always be with me.

I struggle with this,

but I have moved on.

 

You sneak into my thoughts;

my dreams

and my existence

in ways I do not understand. 

 

I miss your words, your sense of adventure,

your inspirational spirit,

but I have moved on.

 

I believe you are my soul-mate

But sadly, YOU have moved on. 

And I have accepted that:)

Life is ever changing

and My life is pretty awesome!!

 

Kimberly Rae

 

Facing the Storm’s in Life

Have you ever come to a point in your life when you knew something was missing?  You felt an emptiness, a void that you could not explain?

I can’t put my finger on any one thing, but my life is in limbo.  It is an unsettling place to be.  I trust God has a plan for me and I want to do what he feels is right for where I am in my life.

My interview for teaching in the middle east is this Wednesday.  The work getting to this point has been overwhelming at times and costly.  My passport went missing on Thursday.  It mysteriously vanished from my documents folder.  Not sure if someone took it or what happened.  I am just going to chalk it up to the nastiness (from someone I don’t even know) that has been plaguing me the past 2 years.  Because I can’t explain that either.  Onward and forward I move.  I have applied for an expedited passport at an ex-orbited amount of $400.00.  The paperwork and time involved in this is more than I had expected.  Again, doing my best to stay positive.

At this point I do not know what direction my life is going until I know if I am going to Abu Dhabi or not.  I know I have to move from my current place of residence either way.  So… do I pack to move out of the country and store my things, or do I pack to move to another apartment?

As I contemplate all of this, the question remains; what is missing in my life?  A new adventure?  A man (the right man) to share my life with?  A different job?   I don’t know.  I am kind of free falling right now, and I just have to trust that God will catch me when my new journey has revealed itself.

All I know is that my journey is going to take a new path.  Change has to happen for growth to take place.  I’m not afraid of change because I know God has my back.   So… I am going to head into the storm  and face what I have to in order to grow.

The story below is a good one and one I take out and read from time to time.  I found it again to today.  I think I was meant to find it:)  Maybe it will speak to you:)

“An old cowboy said he had learned life’s most important lessons from Hereford cows.  All his life he had worked cattle ranches where winter storms took a heavy toll among the herds.  Freezing rains whipped across the prairies.  Howling, bitter winds piled snow into enormous drifts.  Temperatures might drop quickly to below zero degrees. Flying ice cut into the flesh.  In this maelstrom of natures’ violence most cattle would turn their backs to the ice blasts and slowly drift downwind, mile upon mile.  Finally, intercepted by a boundary fence, they would pile up against the barrier and die by the scores.

“But the Herefords acted differently. Cattle of this breed would instinctively head into the windward end of the range.  There they would stand shoulder-to-shoulder facing the storm’s blast, heads down against its onslaught.

“‘You always found the Herefords alive and well, ‘ said the cowboy.  ‘I guess it’s the greatest lesson I ever learned on the prairies –just face life’s storms”

Similarly, if we face up to our individual adversities or hardships, they can become a source of blessing.  God will not give us adversities we cannot handle, and he will bless us richly for patiently doing the best we can in the circumstances.

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae

 

Thank You 2013!!!

The ornaments slowly come off the tree, one by one, as they are individually wrapped, each holding its own memory from Christmas’s past.  I wrap them even more carefully as they will be snug in their box for a few years; they will not be hanging on any tree.

2013 has been a year to remember.  A year of growth and adventures.  A year of loss and lessons learned.  A year of  letting go of things and people who only God can take care of.  As we are the architects of our own life, I choose to keep building mine.

When I started this blog, I was barely able to see the light of day, to take the next step, to get out of bed, to smile.   The torment and the harassment over the past few years has only strengthened me and my faith in the Lord.  Instead of retaliating I wrote.  I didn’t share half of what I had been through, but I did share the lessons I had learned from it all and hopefully reaching some of you.  Life isn’t about revenge or getting back.  It’s about giving, loving, and forgiving.  I’m not saying it didn’t hurt, but I didn’t let it break my building down.  The one I so lovingly had begun to rebuild.

God has shown me many small miracles this past year.  I live in the moment and cherish my time that He has given me.  I volunteer, I shine my light and try to light up a sad face when I can.  My students always brighten up my day.  And here I was a little afraid to teach those little 2nd graders.  But God knew it was what I needed.  I have learned so much from that experience.

All of this has brought me to this place; to my new adventure.  All my belongings will be packed away.  I will be going to another country to teach.  As I continue to build my life, I have decided this is the best way to exit my career as a teacher in the public school system.  After 29 years in the classroom, I know I have touched many lives.  I want to take my experience and love for children to another place.  I want to make a difference somewhere else.  I know I will learn and grow from this new adventure.  God has so wonderfully put me on this path.  He has given me the confidence, strength, and courage to build my life even higher.

As much as I have learned this past year, the most important, is my total faith in the Lord.  I don’t fear anything.  I live my life to the fullest and smile on all those who have come and gone in my life.

May you reach out, reach high and go for it.  2014 will be an awesome year!!!

Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.”

Happy New year!!

As always, Keep hiking to the top!!

Kimberly Rae

 

Christmas Magic*****

As the remains of Thanksgiving sit in zip lock bags and in numerous containers of Tupperware in the fridge, the Christmas season unfolds.  The gold, yellows and browns are tucked carefully away as we pull out those red and green containers full of Christmas Magic!

The tree is trimmed, the shopping begins and the house is adorned with magical colors of the season; and we wish upon the star at the top of the tree for some Christmas magic!!  Or maybe a miracle.

What is Christmas magic?  Does it really exist?  For some, it could just be the feeling this time of year gives you.  It could be the smile on a young child’s face when they see Santa, or maybe the music that seems to be heard everywhere to remind us of this special time of year.  I suppose it is different for all.  But for me, it is about the first gift of Christmas.  And what is that you might be thinking.  It is  a child; our Lord Jesus Christ.

Children are gifts from above.  I truly believe that.  We never know how long those gifts will stay with us on earth, so we need to treasure them every minute; never knowing when they might not be with us anymore.

My Christmas wish, magic, or miracle for this year, came early.  I have prayed for my daughter to find happiness; to smile again; to laugh, and just to enjoy her life.  I look at all the wonderful miracles God has given me over the years and now it’s her time.  Talking with her yesterday, her voice was smiling; the happiness came bounding through the phone, and she was laughing.  “Mom, I have never been more happy, than I am now.  Thank you for helping me get to where I am and for believing in me.”  The tears flowed from my smiling eyes.  I thanked God, over and over.  The joy in my heart is more than I can express.  So… I’m good.  I have all I want and appreciate the little I have, because my daughter sees life through a much happier lens:)

So, if you’re skeptical  and you don’t quite believe, then open your eyes.  The Christmas magic is all around you.  You just have to believe that anything  is possible!!

Blessings to all of you this Christmas Season!

Kimberly Rae

A Moment to Cherish

The sun began to peek in through the small hole in the curtains.  I quietly slipped out of bed not wanting to unwrap myself from the warm blankets from the bed my parents used to share.   It is now home to my sister and me; A place of momentary solitude if I’m lucky.

I make my way to the kitchen only to find just enough cereal for my sisters and brother.  A glass of milk for me will have to suffice.   They need the nourishment more than I. I make our lunches; a thin slather of peanut butter on dry bread, wrapped in tin foil.  I set them on the counter ready for school; No fancy lunch boxes or a paper sack, just a square piece of bread enveloped in aluminum. The sun is saying good morning as I open the drapes and wake them up.

Grabbing our lunches, bundled in the warmest clothes we have, we are off to school.  The frozen grass crackles beneath our feet as we walk closely together to stay warm.  The Christmas season is upon us.  The holiday decorations adorn the blocks that lead the way to the 6 and half hours of learning; school :)

I turn ten today; although some days I feel like 35.  I don’t want to be 35.  When I’m 35 I don’t have time to be a kid; to play or to just have fun.   But I need to be there for my brother and sisters. I’m all they have when my mom is working long hours at the two jobs that manage to keep a roof over our heads and just enough food to keep us going.

Sitting in class, pretending to listen, my thoughts are drifting to what can I make for dinner tonight, what book I will read before they go to bed and I know we have to finish a project my sister is working on.  And that’s when I feel like I am 5 and I long for someone to take care of ME.  And when the tears start to well up, I feel like I’m 3 and I pretend my mother is wrapping her arms around me and telling me it will be alright.

I find a quiet space in the cafeteria to eat my lunch.  The kids make fun of me because I only have a sandwich, so eating alone is just easier. My shy personality doesn’t allow me to be confident let alone social.  I pull out my sandwich and carefully open the foil.  I savor it as if it is Pastrami on Rye; my mouth is watering.  I bite into the dry bread with a hint of peanut butter and chew slowly.  My mother always says if you chew your food slowly you’ll be full faster and considering I didn’t have anything else to pull out of the hat, I made a meal out of my peanut butter delight.

The bell is attempting to tell us school is out.  It sounds as if it is on its last leg and about to hit bell heaven, but we are all used to it by now.  I race out of class to get my little sister who is in 1st grade.  The other two met me at the library; if you want to call it that.  It isn’t any bigger than the small classrooms we inhabit for most of the day.   But the room is lined with books and Mrs. Gardner always waits for me so I can check out the next adventure I will go on.  She knows how much I love to read.  Reading is my escape from the reality I have to live in.  And in a book I can be any age I want; wear the prettiest dresses, have a new home with a mom and a dad and go on adventures; I love adventures!  I always get books to read to my brother and sisters too.  That is our nightly ritual; bedtime stories.  I love that peaceful time when we snuggle together and I take them away to another place.

The day has warmed a bit since our chilly walk in the morning; as we take our time walking home admiring the decorations.  We pick out our favorites and pretend one of the houses is ours. We each have our own room, a big bed and lots of food on the table.  We are dreamers, but that is all we have.  The hope in our eyes is always there especially when we play pretend.

Night is upon us; homework is finished; I make sure they have their baths, story time and then off to bed for the three of them.

The day is winding down and this is my time, my moment to be by myself.

I take my book and feel drawn to our old but beautiful tree.  The gold and blue lights brighten up the tree with all of our creatively decorated ornaments; some plain and some maybe a bit too ornate, but beautiful just the same; we love it.

I lay down with my head under the bottom bow; my book in hand and escape to another place.  The room is dark except for the gold and blue illuminating my space. I feel at peace; I feel warm and safe.  I feel a Devine power with me under that tree at this moment and I know his arms are wrapped around me as I am feeling five again.  I feel as if all is right and I am where I am supposed to be.  I don’t want to leave.   I know now that we will be OK.  I feel loved.  Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me!

Every Christmas when I put up my tree, I turn off all the lights and let the colors from my tree bring magic to the room.  I lie underneath my special tree and remember that moment when I was ten.  Because sometimes I just want to feel warm, safe and loved like a kid again.

Do you have a cherished moment in your life?  Think about that.  What great feelings did it bring to you?

May the Holiday season bring more great moments to your life:)

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae

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