I was having coffee with a new friend the other day. She is having a difficult time this holiday season, so I just listened and let her pour her pain out; it flowed generously down the table, onto to the floor and into my heart; and you are thinking, does pain flow up? Pain can flow any way it wants, as I’m sure most of you know.
As the words painfully moved from her mouth, I realized, I had done and said all those same things. And WHY? For a moment I was mad at myself, but then knew, we all have to go through the crap to get to the other side.
I know it’s hard to believe people who say they know how you feel, especially when you’ve lost someone you loved so much, if they have never felt that pain. If this is you now, I understand how you might feel so small and insignificant as humanly possible and how it can ache in places you never thought you had. It is undoubtably one of the worst feelings you can have. It does get better. You have to keep taking those steps even as small as they might be.
It doesn’t matter how many make-overs you’ve had, or glasses of wine with a good friend, you keep going over in your head every detail and keep asking yourself what you did wrong. And you say to yourself, “How could I have thought that I was that happy?” It has taken me a generous amount of time to come to that realization. I had to fight for his attention. When what he was seeking was the attention of other women. But you keep hoping beyond hope that he will come to his senses and walk through your door. But we should all know that isn’t going to happen. But that small hope of possibility keeps you going, but only in the wrong direction.
Stop thinking there is something wrong with you. Don’t punish yourself for their screwed up reality. They let go of something fantastic and that was you.
After all of that, you will meet new people, find your soul again, and even maybe, hopefully, find YOU!
As wonderful as my life is now, I do long for those words, “I LOVE YOU” from a man who can unconditionally love me. The opportunity will present itself one day. I know God is looking out for me. Until then, I continue to be happy with my life.
Don’t let that mountain in front of you keep you from hiking to the top. It isn’t as daunting as you think.
Don’t just exist. Celebrate being alive. You have a life to start living. I sure am living mine:)
Keep moving forward,