I will apologize right up front because today my blog may not be as uplifting as they usually are. I am usually a very positive person; encourager, motivator, a good friend. I don’t have to work at it, it just comes naturally. I enjoy smiling everyday and helping others see their potential. But now I need a friend. I wish I had someone to hold me and encourage me right now.
Today for me was a positive one as I was with my students. I got crazy stupid, made them laugh and we had a good time. But when reality hit and it hit hard today, the laughter disappeared and I fought to find that smile. I was played by 3 different people; my Principal, a new friend, and the man from my past. A triple whammy, all in the matter of a few hours. I’ve been told that my kind, generous nature will be taken advantage of often. I’m just too trusting and I truly believe people when they tell me something. I did a good deed for someone yesterday only to be denied as his friend today; as any trace of me has been erased from the public eye. I think that says a lot even if that wasn’t the intention. Not sure what’s up with that, but it did sting a little.
I was moved to 2nd grade for next year( a grade I’ve never taught in my life) because the teacher she wanted to put there who is of the same faith and has a prominent name in the community wouldn’t never teach primary, we can’t have her unhappy so let’s move Kim, even though it’s her last year of teaching. And then, I saved the best for last, I was told my last relationship was a farce and I was just being used until the right one came along; and that I had prepared him for the love of his life. He was the Love of my life. Like that didn’t hit me below the belt. Why can’t people just be honest?
So… I feel very used, abused, stepped on, pounded, chewed, then spit back out. I was misled. They were not on the up and up with me. They skirted around the truth. Yeah, I think that about sums it up!!! I’m feeling really good right now, can you tell? I’m great with sarcasm!!!
It hurts me to see other people hurting, so I reach out. It’s just a natural way with me. I listen and share what I know. I feel their pain, I know their pain. I should know by now that I will eventually just be tossed aside. But I will continue to help others because it is who I am. I am a great teacher and I didn’t want my last year to be at a grade level I know nothing about. I can’t teach and be who I am as a teacher with 2nd graders. They are too young to have the great conversations I have, to understand the lessons in life I teach. I’m sad because I feel like I have to become someone I’m not to teach this grade level; all because I don’t have that important name; I’m not part of that religion. And then to think that 6 years of your life you were with a man who didn’t really want you? The tears have flowed and my stomach is in knots.
But instead, I will cry a little more, and then hit the gym and pretend I’m on that mountain with nothing but God‘s beauty surrounding me. True friends welcome:)
Tomorrow is another day. YEAH!!!
I’m still hiking to the top. I just stumbled a bit today.