Bullet Proof

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I just returned from my 4 mile run; music in my ears and at least 5-6 dances choreographed in my head during that time.  The curve ball came at me again today.  Not that I let it hit me.  It grazed me a bit, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around it, not literally of course:)

I have taught for almost 30 years and had planned on retiring after next year.  I have it all planned out, it’s in my head; I’m done.  I’ll miss the teaching part of it all, but not the politics that go with it.  Teaching has changed so much over the last 30 years.

 

Sadly my ex husband gets a portion of my retirement even though he only worked 2 years out of the 10 we were married.  I know, it’s usually the man who gets screwed, so they say.  If he truly deserved it, then I wouldn’t be so indifferent about it.  I worked hard for the money I put in there.  I got my masters as a single parent without any help from him and moved forward with my career just so he could get more money from me?  What’s wrong with this picture?   Well, I can’t live off of what would be left if he gets a percentage of my benefits every month.  So… I worked out a 2 year plan where I would give him a lump sum plus some interest and then I would be able to live off of my monthly benefits.  He agreed.  I was having paper work drawn up to put it all in writing, make it legal and then I was hit or grazed by his backing out of my proposal.    He actually used my daughter to convey his message to me.  What a coward.  Okay, a little cynical there, I know.  I’m trying to be nice here.

This means I cannot retire.  At first,  I cried.  I was mad, angry, and life isn’t fair and all of that.  But as I was running, I decided  I will go to him with another plan.  What I don’t understand is he is in bad health.  If I don’t retire then he doesn’t get any money until I do.  So why not take it now; in a lump sum while he has time to spend it? But all of his “buddies” are telling him that I’m screwing him.  REALLY??? Hmmmmmm.  He doesn’t work and is on disability.  So we are all paying for him one way or another.  His disability is due to his careless way of living.  He is the father of my children and I do not wish any harm on him.  I don’t want my children losing their father at such a young age. I have always treated him fair.  I’ve visited him on many of his hospital stays, I’ve taken care of his house; I’m just too nice.  I thought he would work with me. I guess I underestimated him.  He hasn’t really changed in 25 years.  I’m not giving up yet.

I have prayed about It.  And really, at this point it’s in God‘s hands.  It will work out the way God has it planned.  I don’t want to spend anymore negative energy on him or the situation.  So I will give it a few days and address it again.  God will help me say the right thing:)

So… as the song says, “I am Titanium, I am bullet Proof.”

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I look out my office window and there is my bird.  Singing to me during a troubled moment.  The same bird that sang to me 2 years ago when that whopper of a curve ball hit me square between the eyes.  It seems to come around when things are a little rough.  It’s just about dark out.  Aren’t the birds supposed to be tucked inside their homes?  I’ve always imagined that maybe it’s my father or an angle watching over me.  But what ever he is, he followed me to my new apartment.  So sing away; I’m listening.

 

My faith in God will carry me through.  It always does!

Keep hiking to the top!

Kimberly Rae

Passion is Power

 

As we struggle through difficult times, it’s hard to see where we are going or what we really want to do.  When I find myself in this place, I ask myself, What do I think about when I’m day dreaming?  Where am I the happiest and who am I with?  It’s really about your passion for what you love to do.  So many of us think we can’t live out our passions.  I say why?

When I was born my mother said I came out of the womb dancing.   I always loved the dance.  My mother introduced me to classical music and when she played it, I would choreograph my own dances at the age of 5. She made me my own netted ballerina skirt.  I felt like a dancer when I had it on.   Dance lessons were too expensive back then.  Although we lived comfortably it wasn’t an expense we could afford.  When my parents divorced when I was 9, dance lessons were for sure out of the question.  But I didn’t give up.  I listened to music and danced anywhere I could.  We lived in a small 650 sq. ft. apt. but I still found room to dance.  I would watch the ballets on channel 8 and read and look at pictures.  Dancing and books were my escape from reality.     I practiced all the time.  I could do all those beautiful moves but had no idea how to name them.  French words were not a part of my vocabulary. Oh, I knew the basics, Plié,  Jete, releve, arabesque and the list goes on.  But I knew how to move and flow with the music.

When I was 16 and driving, I took my first ballet class.  I saved my hard-earned money from babysitting and my first job.  It was one of the most special days of my life, when I  walked into that studio with my leotard and ballet shoes on,  and looked at myself in that great big mirror.  Wow!!  I had made it!  Of course I started in the beginning class because I had never had any formal training, but I was quickly moved up as my years of practice on my own brought me in as a 3rd year student.  I was on point in no time and dancing like the ballerina’s I had seen on T.V. years ago.

Did I go on and become a prima ballerina?  NO.  But my passion for what I loved to do which was dance brought me to that euphoric place that I had only dreamed of.  I still dance today in the privacy of my home.  It is such a freeing feeling to just let go and let your body move with the music.  It brings me to my happy place:)

So what are you passionate about?  What makes you happy and brings a smile to your face?  That’s the direction you need to be moving in.  Read about it, learn, and do it!!!!  Nothing is stopping you but you.

As always, keep hiking to the top!

 

Kimberly Rae

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