A Moment to Cherish

The sun began to peek in through the small hole in the curtains.  I quietly slipped out of bed not wanting to unwrap myself from the warm blankets from the bed my parents used to share.   It is now home to my sister and me; A place of momentary solitude if I’m lucky.

I make my way to the kitchen only to find just enough cereal for my sisters and brother.  A glass of milk for me will have to suffice.   They need the nourishment more than I. I make our lunches; a thin slather of peanut butter on dry bread, wrapped in tin foil.  I set them on the counter ready for school; No fancy lunch boxes or a paper sack, just a square piece of bread enveloped in aluminum. The sun is saying good morning as I open the drapes and wake them up.

Grabbing our lunches, bundled in the warmest clothes we have, we are off to school.  The frozen grass crackles beneath our feet as we walk closely together to stay warm.  The Christmas season is upon us.  The holiday decorations adorn the blocks that lead the way to the 6 and half hours of learning; school 🙂

I turn ten today; although some days I feel like 35.  I don’t want to be 35.  When I’m 35 I don’t have time to be a kid; to play or to just have fun.   But I need to be there for my brother and sisters. I’m all they have when my mom is working long hours at the two jobs that manage to keep a roof over our heads and just enough food to keep us going.

Sitting in class, pretending to listen, my thoughts are drifting to what can I make for dinner tonight, what book I will read before they go to bed and I know we have to finish a project my sister is working on.  And that’s when I feel like I am 5 and I long for someone to take care of ME.  And when the tears start to well up, I feel like I’m 3 and I pretend my mother is wrapping her arms around me and telling me it will be alright.

I find a quiet space in the cafeteria to eat my lunch.  The kids make fun of me because I only have a sandwich, so eating alone is just easier. My shy personality doesn’t allow me to be confident let alone social.  I pull out my sandwich and carefully open the foil.  I savor it as if it is Pastrami on Rye; my mouth is watering.  I bite into the dry bread with a hint of peanut butter and chew slowly.  My mother always says if you chew your food slowly you’ll be full faster and considering I didn’t have anything else to pull out of the hat, I made a meal out of my peanut butter delight.

The bell is attempting to tell us school is out.  It sounds as if it is on its last leg and about to hit bell heaven, but we are all used to it by now.  I race out of class to get my little sister who is in 1st grade.  The other two met me at the library; if you want to call it that.  It isn’t any bigger than the small classrooms we inhabit for most of the day.   But the room is lined with books and Mrs. Gardner always waits for me so I can check out the next adventure I will go on.  She knows how much I love to read.  Reading is my escape from the reality I have to live in.  And in a book I can be any age I want; wear the prettiest dresses, have a new home with a mom and a dad and go on adventures; I love adventures!  I always get books to read to my brother and sisters too.  That is our nightly ritual; bedtime stories.  I love that peaceful time when we snuggle together and I take them away to another place.

The day has warmed a bit since our chilly walk in the morning; as we take our time walking home admiring the decorations.  We pick out our favorites and pretend one of the houses is ours. We each have our own room, a big bed and lots of food on the table.  We are dreamers, but that is all we have.  The hope in our eyes is always there especially when we play pretend.

Night is upon us; homework is finished; I make sure they have their baths, story time and then off to bed for the three of them.

The day is winding down and this is my time, my moment to be by myself.

I take my book and feel drawn to our old but beautiful tree.  The gold and blue lights brighten up the tree with all of our creatively decorated ornaments; some plain and some maybe a bit too ornate, but beautiful just the same; we love it.

I lay down with my head under the bottom bow; my book in hand and escape to another place.  The room is dark except for the gold and blue illuminating my space. I feel at peace; I feel warm and safe.  I feel a Devine power with me under that tree at this moment and I know his arms are wrapped around me as I am feeling five again.  I feel as if all is right and I am where I am supposed to be.  I don’t want to leave.   I know now that we will be OK.  I feel loved.  Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me!

Every Christmas when I put up my tree, I turn off all the lights and let the colors from my tree bring magic to the room.  I lie underneath my special tree and remember that moment when I was ten.  Because sometimes I just want to feel warm, safe and loved like a kid again.

Do you have a cherished moment in your life?  Think about that.  What great feelings did it bring to you?

May the Holiday season bring more great moments to your life:)

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae

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A Recipe for Life

Is there a cookbook for life, for parenting, for relationships for tomorrow even??????  Some days I wish there was.  There are just not answers for all  that comes at us.  We have to figure it out ourselves; with God’s help of course:)

I am sitting here in my office, although  I’m not sure I can call it that anymore since my daughter has moved in with me.  The bed has taken over and my desk and chair space have gone to some other office that I am not privy to use.  I haven’t written in a month.  Well, I have written, just on paper.  I haven’t been able to get to my computer.  She has temporarily  come out of the space she calls her cocoon, thank God she has emerged.  SHE IS ALIVE!

So I am in here frantically writing while I have my computer back for a short time anyway.  Life is hard, I know it is, but when your children are suffering you want to help; you want to console them.  I have felt her pain and ache for her.  Her relationship has ended due to dishonesty and cheating.  She now understands what I went through and has apologized to me for her impatience while I was getting over the man I loved.  “It’s going to take time” I tell her, but she has to get up everyday, and make some attempt at living.  We are so opposite in that area.  I have always picked up the pieces and kept moving, slowly at times but moving.  I was excited today, when I saw the door open and a body make a presence in the living room.

My strength, has always been from God.  She doesn’t have him; she doesn’t believe or have faith in anything.  I pray for her everyday.  I don’t know what happened to her to lose her faith.  (prayers welcome here:)

I went to two funerals this week; celebrating their lives of course but sad to see them go.  The friends and family in attendance abounded.  Not that I was surprised by the many who came to remember them.  They were both amazing people and children of God.  I started thinking that maybe I wasn’t doing enough to help others.  I always thought I have touched lives in some way.  I have always put myself last and taken care of others.  So now during the past two years that I have taken time for myself, I seem to be losing friends.  I haven’t neglected others but I have taken back some of that time to work on myself.  Is that a bad thing?  I didn’t think so.  I have one true friend and many acquaintances.  I have to ask myself, is there something wrong with me?  I like who I am.  If they don’t like the new strong, self assured Kim, then I guess they can go on their way.  I’m not perfect. But I smile at those I don’t know.  I walk with a positive attitude, and do my best to walk in God’s light.  I guess if Jesus was persecuted and still stood strong, so can I:)  I know He’s got my back:)
So… there isn’t a cookbook for life.  We just have to make our own recipe’s. Because, the ones we create ourselves are usually the best anyway, right?

Tomorrow’s is, a whole lot of smiles and bunches of positive, and God’s grace all around:)
What’s your recipe?

Keep hiking to the top,

 

Kimberly Rae

 

 

A New Perspective

If you watch T.V. at all I’m sure you have noticed the barrage of Christmas stories, tales, and the like.  I myself choose to partake in watching those stories.  Some make you laugh but most make you cry.  As I find myself in a better place this Christmas season, I see life through a different lens.   The same stories I watched last year have a different meaning than they did before.  I have noticed that my faith is overflowing and how thankful I am for everything in my life; not that I wasn’t last year.  God just had a lot more to show me to get where I am now.

I thought that I had lost so much after my relationship ended, but really I had gained so much from it.  I needed to look at it from that perspective and God showed me how.  The how involved some hurt and more pain as I realized or became more aware of the situations I was faced with.  There was that small part of me that kept holding on to what, I’m not sure; a memory, the thought of what could have or should have been, the exceptional moments we shared; maybe all of these.

But the good Lord revealed to me a few weeks ago who this man has become.  I was saddened.   But it did allow me to let go of that last little piece.  So many of us are holding on to that piece and we don’t realize how it is keeping us from moving on.  As soon as I let go, I felt like the white dove after the cage door opens and he flies away.  It was such a freeing experience.

As I watch those Christmas stories, as sappy as some of them are:) It reminds me that Christmas is about caring, giving of yourself, and of Family.  I love this time of year.  And with my strengthened faith I know that I have to worry about nothing.  God is taking care of me. And what he puts in front of me is part of his plan.

I have no ill feelings for anyone from my past.  I keep them in my prayers and wish only the best for them.  The experiences I shared with them will always be a part of who I am.

One of the best parts that I was fortunate to keep, was the big, lovable, Garfield looking Cat.  He loves me, takes care of me, and lays at my side when I need comforting.  What a blessing that animal has been.

Let us all try to take in this holiday season with a new perspective and find joy in what we have.  Sometimes we just need to open our eyes!!

May this holiday season bring joy and peace into your life.

As always, keep moving forward,

Kimberly Rae

 

My lovable boy!

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Hope

The tree is up, the decorations are hung with care, in hopes that Saint Nicholas will soon be here.  Well, the tree is up, but I’m not sure there will be any sugar plums dancing in my head. I think I’ve outgrown that piece of the story:) I sit here and look at my beautifully decorated tree.  The lights wink back at me as if to say, YOU MADE IT GIRL!  I wink back at the twinkling lights and feel great about where my journey has taken me.

The holidays can be a difficult time of year for some.  Especially if you have lost someone; that alone feeling can creep in and the memories start flooding into the present.  I know, that was me last Christmas.  As I hung each ornament, I didn’t think of the past.  It didn’t creep into my psyche.  Oh, there were a few ornaments that I  gently re-wrapped and put back in the box, but I didn’t let my emotions take over.  I bought a few new ones to hang, to represent the great place my life is in now.

Some of you might be thinking, she must have found a man or someone special to enjoy the holidays with.  No, I have not.  But I do have special people in my life.  I have my grow-up children, my true friends, and family.  All who I will spend time with and am thankful for.  This time of year should be spent on the ones who are here and in our lives; not on the past and what used to be.

I know it is hard to not be sad if you are missing someone this holiday season.  And you might find yourself crying over the littlest things that only mean something to you.  You’ll always have your memories.  Keep them tucked in a small place in your heart; I do:)  Focus on who is right in front of you.  Sometimes we lose sight of that in our grieving and healing.

I know it’s hard and I wish I could wrap my arms around each and every one of you who are struggling to get through the season.  But take that step everyday; as little as it might be, I am here to tell you, you will smile again, laugh again, and feel the joy of the holiday season.  We all heal in our own time.  So don’t rush it.  Pretty soon you’ll be taking giant leaps.

Smile!  May the spirit of the holiday be with you.

As always, keep moving forward,

Kimberly Rae