A Love Lost… Where Did it Go??

The cool breeze trickles through my window, as I sit staring off into the night.   It is an abnormally 65 degrees on a Wednesday, in sunny Arizona.  I’m relishing in the cool soft breeze as I know this will be the last for awhile.  I understand why it’s going away.  The earth has rotated.  The sun is in the right place for summer to begin. It’s going to be hot; very hot, here in Arizona.  We won’t see the coolness of the night for a very long time.  But I know it will return, with the falling of the leaves.

What I don’t know and what I don’t understand is why people who say they love us so much, hurt us the most.  They say they need space and then they leave, for something far less than you.   The love they had for us got lost somewhere.  What does that mean???

I dry my eyes from the tears that I shed moments ago.  My children are hurting.  I want to fix their pain; I want to take it away.  But I can’t.

What do you tell your six foot three son who is cradled in your arms crying because the woman he loved so much cheated on him?  You let him cry and you listen.  Because you know what it’s like to go through that.  You’ve been there.  And as you cry with him, that old hurt and pain begins to surface as he tells you the lies she has deceived him with.  You’ve heard them all before and you know she isn’t going to come back but you can’t tell him that, not yet anyway.  He will figure it out in his own time.  I, as all mothers would do, will continue to be there for him.

My daughter, who has struggled through life, found a man that she could truly love with all her being. She smiled and laughed with genuine sincerity.  I was so thrilled that this wonderful man loved my daughter so much.  But the happiness that radiated from her may not return with the falling of the leaves.   He too, needs his space and may have fallen to someone far less than the amazing woman, I call my daughter.  Again, the same words, the same stories, the same lies.  “He says, he just wants to work it out, but he still loves me.”  As I nod my head whispering to myself, I know, I know.  She cries some more and just doesn’t know how she is going to live without him.

I reacted.  Only within the confines of my 4 walls.  I screamed and cursed the 3 of them.  Those hurt feelings came back so quickly.  Does anyone work on relationships anymore or do they just walk away and take the easy way out?  No one puts any effort into love and all that should come with it.  They just try on another shoe.  And even if it doesn’t fit so well and is a little tattered they try to make it fit, because now its too late  to  take back the one they ignored and shoved in the closet.  The one that shined when they were around.  The one that was true and loyal and would have never left.  We shouldn’t take on the victim role. Because really, we are not the victims.  They are victims of their own stupidity and poor choices.  We, (my children) will pick up the pieces and move on.  I’m hoping that my healing can be an example for them to pick up the broken pieces of their lives and move forward.  I can only be there for them and continue to pray for the strength they will need to take the next step.

 

As always, keep hiking to the top!

Kimberly Rae

 

 

 

 

 

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Letting Them Go…

Losing friends through a difficult time in your life is never easy.  I know, I lost a few good friends along my healing journey.  I believe they just were not able to listen to my hurt and pain any longer.  They had to do what they needed to do to continue on their journey in life.  And that has to be okay.  We all need to take care of who we are.  I know it took me a long time to get over my past relationship.  But when you make that many memories with someone, it just doesn’t go away overnight.

I still miss them.  There are times I wish I could just call them up and share some of my exciting growth news since I am in a great place in my life. But I can’t and I won’t.  I respect their decision and what they had to do for themselves.   They did help me a lot, especially during some of my roughest hours.  They played a part in my healing and now I must let them go.

I am  on a new journey now and we will make new friends.    It’s all part of the growth that takes place as we move on with our life.   We have to let some things go in order to bring on the new.  For some, the journey has just begun.  Enjoy all that it brings:)

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae

Bullet Proof

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I just returned from my 4 mile run; music in my ears and at least 5-6 dances choreographed in my head during that time.  The curve ball came at me again today.  Not that I let it hit me.  It grazed me a bit, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around it, not literally of course:)

I have taught for almost 30 years and had planned on retiring after next year.  I have it all planned out, it’s in my head; I’m done.  I’ll miss the teaching part of it all, but not the politics that go with it.  Teaching has changed so much over the last 30 years.

 

Sadly my ex husband gets a portion of my retirement even though he only worked 2 years out of the 10 we were married.  I know, it’s usually the man who gets screwed, so they say.  If he truly deserved it, then I wouldn’t be so indifferent about it.  I worked hard for the money I put in there.  I got my masters as a single parent without any help from him and moved forward with my career just so he could get more money from me?  What’s wrong with this picture?   Well, I can’t live off of what would be left if he gets a percentage of my benefits every month.  So… I worked out a 2 year plan where I would give him a lump sum plus some interest and then I would be able to live off of my monthly benefits.  He agreed.  I was having paper work drawn up to put it all in writing, make it legal and then I was hit or grazed by his backing out of my proposal.    He actually used my daughter to convey his message to me.  What a coward.  Okay, a little cynical there, I know.  I’m trying to be nice here.

This means I cannot retire.  At first,  I cried.  I was mad, angry, and life isn’t fair and all of that.  But as I was running, I decided  I will go to him with another plan.  What I don’t understand is he is in bad health.  If I don’t retire then he doesn’t get any money until I do.  So why not take it now; in a lump sum while he has time to spend it? But all of his “buddies” are telling him that I’m screwing him.  REALLY??? Hmmmmmm.  He doesn’t work and is on disability.  So we are all paying for him one way or another.  His disability is due to his careless way of living.  He is the father of my children and I do not wish any harm on him.  I don’t want my children losing their father at such a young age. I have always treated him fair.  I’ve visited him on many of his hospital stays, I’ve taken care of his house; I’m just too nice.  I thought he would work with me. I guess I underestimated him.  He hasn’t really changed in 25 years.  I’m not giving up yet.

I have prayed about It.  And really, at this point it’s in God‘s hands.  It will work out the way God has it planned.  I don’t want to spend anymore negative energy on him or the situation.  So I will give it a few days and address it again.  God will help me say the right thing:)

So… as the song says, “I am Titanium, I am bullet Proof.”

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I look out my office window and there is my bird.  Singing to me during a troubled moment.  The same bird that sang to me 2 years ago when that whopper of a curve ball hit me square between the eyes.  It seems to come around when things are a little rough.  It’s just about dark out.  Aren’t the birds supposed to be tucked inside their homes?  I’ve always imagined that maybe it’s my father or an angle watching over me.  But what ever he is, he followed me to my new apartment.  So sing away; I’m listening.

 

My faith in God will carry me through.  It always does!

Keep hiking to the top!

Kimberly Rae

Stumbling and Hurt

I will apologize right up front because today my blog may not be as uplifting  as they usually are.  I am usually a very  positive person; encourager, motivator, a good friend.  I don’t have to work at it, it just comes naturally.  I enjoy smiling everyday and helping others see their potential.  But now I need a friend.  I wish I had someone to hold me and encourage me right now.

Today for me was a positive one as I was with my students.  I got crazy stupid, made them laugh and we had a good time.  But when reality hit and it hit hard today, the laughter disappeared  and I fought to find that smile.  I was played by 3 different people; my Principal, a new friend, and the man from my past.  A triple whammy, all in the matter of a few hours.  I’ve been told that my kind, generous nature will be taken advantage of often.  I’m just too trusting and I truly believe people when they tell me something.  I did a good deed for someone yesterday only to be denied  as his friend today; as any trace of me has been erased from the public eye.  I think that says a lot even if that wasn’t the intention.  Not sure what’s up with that, but it did sting a little.

I was moved to 2nd grade for next year( a grade I’ve never taught in my life) because the teacher she wanted to put there who is of the same faith and has a prominent name in the community wouldn’t never teach primary, we can’t have her unhappy so let’s move Kim, even though it’s her last year of teaching.  And then,  I saved the best for last, I was told my last relationship was a farce and I was just being used until the right one came along; and that  I had prepared him for the love of his life.  He was the Love of my life.  Like that didn’t hit me below the belt.  Why can’t people just be honest?

So… I feel very used, abused, stepped on, pounded, chewed, then spit back out.  I was misled.   They were not  on the up and up with me.  They skirted around the truth.  Yeah, I think that about sums it up!!!  I’m feeling really good right now, can you tell?  I’m great with sarcasm!!!

It hurts me to see other people hurting, so I reach out.  It’s just a natural way with me.  I listen and share what I know.  I feel their pain, I know their pain.  I should know by now that I will eventually  just be tossed aside.  But I will continue to help others because it is who I am.  I am a great teacher and I didn’t want my last year to be at a grade level I know nothing about.  I can’t teach and be who I am as a teacher with 2nd graders.  They are too young to have the great conversations I have, to understand the lessons in life I teach.  I’m sad because I feel like I have to become someone I’m not to teach this grade level; all because I don’t have that important name; I’m not part of that religion.  And then to think that 6 years of your life you were with a man who didn’t really want you?  The tears have flowed and my stomach is in knots.

So as I scroll through my Facebook page and see all the pics from Oregon, and Glacier.  I want to be there.  I want to escape from all the crap and just start over.  Beam me up Scotty!!!  Like Now!!!!

But instead, I will cry a little more, and then hit the gym and pretend I’m on that mountain with nothing but God‘s beauty surrounding me.  True friends welcome:)

Tomorrow is another day.  YEAH!!!

I’m still hiking to the top.  I just stumbled a bit today.

 

Kimberly Rae

What is Your Missing Piece?

What is keeping you from moving forward with your life?  A question we all need to ask ourselves from time to time.  Many times we think we are on our way when the quick sand of life keeps dragging us down and we don’t even know it.  And then we wonder why nothing seems to be going right, you’ve lost your focus, your partner leaves you, and life just seems pretty crappy.

We can’t blame others for our messed up reality.  We played a part in there somewhere.  The difficult part is looking deep within to find out what YOUR part was.

What’s holding you back?  It could be small piece you haven’t dealt with or it could be a series of things that you’ve just let go in hopes that it would all go away.

Family is important and when we lose that connection to some of our family our life does suffer.  We say it doesn’t, we blame them, they just don’t get it….  I could go on, couldn’t I?  But that’s a big chunk of who we are.  Pretending they don’t exist or shutting them out of our life is making our life that much better????  I think not.

The hardest part is looking in the mirror, is forgiving, saying your are sorry; all of it.  No one said living your life was going to be a piece of cake.  I am a firm believer that we need to heal the hurt inside of us before we can truly move on.  Is there someone in your life that you need to reconnect with?  Say your sorry to? or Forgive?  Sometimes you just need to let things go in order to reconnect.  Get that part of you that is lost, back.  Don’t say, “It’s not a big deal.” or “He/She won’t listen to me.”  How do you know? They may be hoping you take the first step.   Everything is worth one try at least.

Stand up! Take the first step to get back your missing piece.  Your life is waiting:)9578_10151526738347384_1589932247_n

 

As always, keep hiking to the top!

Kimberly Rae