I sat atop the tall red chair in the front of my classroom. I began to read a page in a book that has a great message about life. I’m always sharing life lessons with my students. I think I chose this one because I was struggling with it in my life. Words can hurt more than we know. The words were coming out of my mouth but I wasn’t hearing them. The colors in the room began to run together and instead of 29 students I was seeing numerous heads attached to one body. I fell to the floor or gracefully put myself there. 29 caring young boys and girls came running over to me. In that moment I felt so needy but yet so loved.
Why was this happening to me? I was perfectly fine this morning. As I look back at the week, I realize I didn’t sleep well, and I was gone almost every night; I think trying to escape what was really going on. It is easy to say “Let things go” and I say it a lot to myself and others, but we are only human and sometimes our emotions take over. I think our bodies have a way of telling us when we need to slow down and take a look at where we are at and what is taking over our thoughts. I’m going to be sad for a moment. We are allowed to be sad, we just can’t linger too long or it will over take our emotions and ability to keep moving forward. So just before I fell into a deep sleep, I shed a few tears and let the emotions flow out. I took my moment:) I slept for 4 hours. I woke up refreshed, but I needed to deal with the WHY of it all.
I know that when you lose someone in your life, some of your friends will go with them. But that already happened. It’s been almost 2 years. I have forgiven and moved on. But when negative things about you start to surface in your work place and from people you are still friends with, It is hard to let that go. When you work in the same school district as the person you were with, things get back to you. Hurtful words coming from him; still hurt. I have lost 3 friends in the past month because of those words. I know if those people were meant to still be in my life God would have kept them there. We are human. I don’t think it matters how old we are, slanderous words still have an effect on us. But then we need to learn from that, don’t we?
As I sit here on this Friday night, I am missing the friend I was supposed to be entertaining. It saddens me that he would believe what he has heard and that the person from my past has to make me look bad to exist in his messed up reality. I would never do that to him. I guess I expected more from a man who truly did love me at one time. The barrage of things thrown at me this week were maybe a little more than my psyche could handle. Sleep is such a great elixir; isn’t’ it? It gives your thoughts and emotions a break. I think I just needed to shut down for a while.
I always find my focus and my center on the trail. I look forward to tomorrow when I hit the rim country with a friend, to be one with nature and the beauty that will surround us.
God knows what he is doing in my life and I accept that. My light will continue to shine as I wear my scars proudly, to show that I have healed. My armor is strong; I have pulled out the bullets that tried to penetrate my heart. He cannot touch me anymore. I am Titanium.
So farewell to my friends who have moved on as I welcome in the new, that may not have crossed my path yet.
God is watching over me and He’s brought me to where I need to be:)
Keep hiking to the top!