I wait
I wonder
I keep silent
I understand
I’m sensitive
I feel the pain
I’m not the cause
change is hard
letting go is harder
Move on, I say…
Let yourself move on.
Kimberly Rae
Tag: Life
Patience!!
“Things come to us not when we want them, but when we are ready.”
Patience is a virtue…so they say. I’m not sure that was passed down through my genetic makeup. Oh, I suppose there is some swishing around in there somewhere. It does come out now and then. But today… it has taken a holiday, and I’m not sure when it’s returning.
I do my best each morning to wake up with a grateful heart, a smile on my face, and the motivation to make it a great day!!! But today, and maybe a little yesterday… It seems to have escaped me. I seem to be standing at a huge fork in the road. My journey has stalled; taken a rest… I don’t know, but I’m stuck; frozen at a point in my life where I should be confident and moving forward.
My summer took me to places I didn’t think I would ever see. I climbed the highest peak in Oahu. I swam in the bluest water you have ever seen. I tasted food beyond my wildest imagination… I was living and loving my life. But…as wonderful as my trips were… I didn’t have anyone to share it with. I wanted to be sitting on Sunset beach with that special person in my life. I wanted to laugh and discover with them. I wanted someone’s shoulder to lean on, on the long flight home. After 5 years of being single, is God saying I am still not ready?? Does Karma really exist? I keep asking myself if I have done something not to deserve a good man in my life. I keep asking God, what else am I supposed to learn?
I’ve grown to love myself and to be happy with just me. The scar I wear proudly from my last relationship… remains just that… a Scar. It has healed over and I have moved forward. I’m ready!!! So I think.
So what else God?? Are you still trying to teach me about patience? I know I’ve stumbled a bit over the past 5 years, but I’m still here; wishing and wanting to share my life with the person you have waiting for me; or maybe there isn’t someone. Maybe I am just supposed to embrace being single and that’s how it’s going to be.
So give me that little nudge. Push me in the right direction. You may need to hold my hand at first, but I’ll keep moving forward, because I have never lost my faith in YOU.
As always… Keep hiking to the top!!!
Kimberly Rae
The Gift of Life
I set out on a journey last week not a journey I expected to take. A long seven hour drive to California; San Diego to be exact. A drive I wish I didn’t have to make by myself.
You raise your children hoping that they will do good in the world, that they will respect others and add happiness to peoples lives. As parents we hope that kicks in sometime as they become young adults or even before. My son proved that today.
The dampness in the air becomes more apparent as I reach the coast. I have to ask myself, is he scared? Am I scared? I’m sure yes, he must be a little. And as his mother, I am a little anxious. But I’m so proud, so very proud of the decision my son made to donate his kidney to his cousin to save his life.
As I hang out in the spa (surgical preparation area) with my son and my ex in laws, I feel a sense of loneliness just a bit. I wish there was someone there for me, to hold my hand, put their arm around me, reassuring me that all will be well and for a little support :-). I stand there holding his hand, kissing his forehead as they wheel him off. I’m so proud. I started to cry but I feel a sense of calm and peace about me. I know God has his hands upon both boys and the amazing surgeons performing both operations.
I pull out my adult coloring book and the colors, seafoam green, grey, and mustard yellow, the colors that I seem to be attracted to as of late. I intently focus on the design and the pattern I’m creating. Time is not moving very quickly.
It has now been three and a half hours and I find myself unable to choose the next color. I’m at a stopping point I guess. I sit quietly watching the other people in the room knowing they are waiting for their loved one as well.
I’m the only one waiting for the surgeon. I chose not to leave. Within a few minutes the surgeon comes out, he spots me. He comes right over, takes my hand and says the surgery went very well and that my son was in recovery. I then asked about his cousin, he so gallantly replied, the gift of life your son gave him, is now being transplanted so he can live a fulfilling life. I started crying, sitting there all by myself, just crying out of sheer joy and happiness.
It was a very emotional day for everyone. Both boys are doing great. The recipient is responding well to his new kidney, his new gift of life. He and his family now can look forward to many many more wonderful moments together. Thank you to my son. Such a selfless act, I could not be more proud as a mom 🙂
The connection between both boys now will be much deeper than any of us could ever imagine. Both boys will see life through a different lens, with a different perspective and appreciate things so much more. We should all see it that way. We don’t need to be a living doner to look at life the way they do.
Keep smiling… life is good!!
Kimberly Rae
A New Journey!
“One moment she was alone and lost… and 4 years later she emerges, anew.”
I have decided to take a different path with my blogs. I have healed and moved on from my very painful relationship. My blogging helped me to move on. Sharing my raw feelings helped me deal with life. Not that I won’t stumble… I am only human:) But life, my life has moved on.
After everything I have been through I look at myself as a tight rope walker. Because the tight rope walker is the one who doesn’t need a safety net. He can move on with his life without someone in it. And that is just what I did. My faith is all that I needed and need to keep moving forward.
I love to write about my discoveries, whether they be about life or the many trails that I happen upon and learn from.
I am fortunate enough to live in a state that allows me to hike all year round. The desert is beautiful in it’s own right. You just have to see it and sometimes look for it. I get to see this mountain everyday. I have hiked to the top and all through it. And just yesterday, I discovered by accident a new trail behind this amazing, majestic mountain. You never know what you are going to find, on the trail or in life. It is how you look at it that makes the difference. I choose to see the beauty in what is in front of me. To some, they will only see ugly, prickly cactus and a ground full of dirt and sand. But when you open your eyes, and I mean really open your eyes… You see so much more.
That is how I view life. My eyes are wide open and I choose to enjoy the moments put in front of me and see the desert in all of it finery as a gift from God.
So I challenge you… open your eyes and see, really see, what is in front of you.
The peace and joy I get from wandering these desert trails only remind me of how grateful I am to be alive, to enjoy the trails I have been on, and the many more I will explore!
Enjoy my view below:)
As always…. Keep Hiking to the Top,
Kimberly Rae
A New Chapter…
“We attain freedom as we let go of whatever does not reflect our magnificence.” ~Alan Cohen
I wake slowly from a very deep sleep. The sound of the clock mimics my heart as it beats steadily. For a brief moment I realize this is the same clock that sounded over and over in my head, four years ago when my heart was bleeding and in pieces on the floor. A puzzle, I thought, that could never be put back together. ergo… the beginning of my blogs. Or should I say… the beginning of my healing. It seems like a lifetime ago.
I have stumbled, tripped, even fallen, but I always got back up. I learned something new about ME every time I veered off the path.
I learned that the scars of betrayal will always be with you. It is how you rise above it that will make or break your journey.
I learned that life isn’t always fair. It just isn’t!!
I learned that I Am ENOUGH!
I learned that volunteering and helping others is something I enjoy and has helped me to heal.
I learned to keep the good memories with me and if they bring a tear to my eye… it’s okay too:)
I learned to have no regrets. My time spent with him brought me to where I am today:)
I learned to love myself
I learned that only I can make myself happy. My happiness does not depend on others.
I can honestly say, that I am real and genuine. I smile a lot and do my best to bring joy into other’s lives which in turn brings a smile to mine:)
But… I could not have done any of this without my faith and trust in God. He is my Rock. I believe he has great things in store for me this coming year. The restlessness inside me, tells me there is change in the air. God must be moving a few mountains for me… because here I come!!!!!
As always,
Keep Hiking to the Top,
Kimberly Rae
The Handkerchief
The handkerchief symbolizes a time that no longer exists. A simpler time. A time where commitment was just natural. A period of time when you worked things out, when you communicated, when you were there for each other. A time, when the tears began to flow, that special person would hand you their handkerchief to blot your eyes from the tears that would not stop streaming down your face. It represented compassion and caring and “I’m here for you.”
Something as simple as a handkerchief could say so much… as in, “I LOVE YOU”
Where is the handkerchief today??
I don’t want the text or the email. I want the hand attached to the handkerchief, looking at me face to face wiping my tears if need be, and reassuring me it’s going to be alright. I want to see the compassion, the love and the caring in someone’s eyes, not words in an email; they have no voice.
Bring back the handkerchief because the world is becoming a lonely place without it 🙂
Living life!!
Kimberly Rae
Just Friends
The sweet smell of cinnamon and sugar engulf the small space I call my writing corner. I miss having an office. The scent of a candle can bring back memories, brighten up a mood, or take you to another place where no one can find you. I am going to another place. In my mind anyway.
There are days I understand life and all that it gives and others where it just doesn’t make sense. This is a “doesn’t make sense” kind of day.
It was my birthday yesterday. Even though I was overpowered with birthday wishes, there was one I didn’t get. One I couldn’t or wasn’t allowed to get.
Why can’t men and women just be friends? I have always had male friends; married, with a girlfriend, didn’t matter. I had no romantic interest in them. They were just great friends. But society and insecure women don’t see it that way. If they have someone in their life you can’t be talking with them. WHY NOT??? I’m not trying to take them from who they have. I would never do that. I’ve been on the other of that. It is so nice talking to a man. They don’t judge you, criticize you, they say it like is and you don’t have to second guess them. Amazing!!!
That pit in your stomach, the “I don’t feel like eating,” the emptiness in your heart is all that I am feeling right now. I had to give my friend up. He can no longer talk to me, email me, or call me. Society has deemed it isn’t right. I have known him since college. I know people come and go in our lives, but I will miss him. I do miss him… and he misses me. But I do understand. His happiness is more important to me. I know we will always be friends in our hearts.
Always hiking to the top,
Kimberly Rae
The Unspoken Words are Felt the Most
Did you every say or do something you wish you could take back? That impulsive thought, action, that once given and received cannot be retrieved. Why do we do that? Actually why do I do that? I keep saying I won’t do that again. I will give it a day before I respond or react. But I don’t. I’m not talking about something that would hurt someone or belittle them. No… These are words of love and kindness that were not taken or interrupted correctly by the recipient. Their response to me was like a knife being jabbed into my stomach and twisted around. It reminded me of a time I don’t care to remember. And then you begin to over think it and interrupt it many ways; which is so asinine. Words are just words; without action behind them, they don’t mean much. But when you are a few thousand miles away, you find yourself attaching to every word, because that is all you have.
Being single for 3 years, has put me in a vulnerable place. I long for that stimulating conversation with a male friend. And I mean a friend. Reconnecting with my old friend has helped me see some things in my life from a different perspective. It has helped me let go of some things I didn’t realize I was holding on to. So it saddens me that I may have lost this friend due to misinterpretation using social media. But you know what… If we never speak again, I will always remember this past week. He opened my eyes and helped rekindle my inner spirit and for that, I am grateful. Sometimes people step into our lives for just a short while to get you on your new path. I know I touched his life as well:)
“If unspoken words are felt, then you have connected.” ~ Kimberly Rae
Keep hiking to the top!
Kimberly Rae
Erasing the Bad Stuff
“Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory, as the wish to forget it.”
Why does the past abruptly and very cleverly disrupt our life?
It takes the good moments and sours them quickly.
It brings tears to our eyes and the lonely feeling sets in.
Those angry words, “It’s not fair!” recites over and over in our head, and then we cry some more.
Why do these messages suddenly appear across my phone, or my social media pages? Who really wants to hurt me?
And why would I let them. The tears stop and I realize that God removed me from that past relationship to save me.
The tears have stopped. My smile has returned. I know I am in a better place; living my life:)
Set backs are real. It’s how we react to them, that can either propel our life forward or keep us stuck where we are.
Keep hiking to the top,
Kimberly Rae
The Climb
The day is almost over. It is slowly turning into night. The evening sky is brightly colored with oranges and blues moving through the scattered clouds that we rarely see in this beautiful dry state of ours. The sunlight peaks through here and there to let us know that it’s not quite ready to let the darkness blanket the sky.
The beautiful majestic Superstitions stare at me as I drive home. The colors of the sky touch the tips of the mountain that I once climbed. As the sun sets, the purple hue begins to envelop the rocky mass that lies ahead of me. I look at it from afar, and marvel at myself for having climbed to the top of such a wondrous beast. And a beast it was. Just like my journey has been over the past few years.
As I began my climb both in life and on this mountain, I was looking at a straight up shot. I had to take it slow. I didn’t want to fall. There were parts when I sailed along, but then I stumbled. I had to stop and rest a few times. I had to ask myself, “can I do this?” I was determined and focused. Yes, I veered off the trail a bit, but I found my way again and in doing so, I learned a little more about me and where I had been. It didn’t seem as if I had traveled that far but when I looked back to see how far I had come, I was amazed at my journey and the rugged path that I had so boldly and with faith conquered. Today, I am sitting at the top of that mountain. I’m driving my new car facing life head on. I have come a long way in 2 years. I am proud of how much I have grown, of the many things I have accomplished, and wonderful friends and family that have added to my happiness!
So when you see that mountain in front of you, don’t walk away. Take it slow, take your time, and heal. And before you know it, you’ll be at the top. Stay focused, because only you can write the story of your life!
Where does your path lead?
I’ve come a long way baby!!! So can you:)
Keep Hiking to the Top,
Kimberly Rae
LiveBoldLife 