My Heart Was in Love, But He Was Somewhere Else

I sit on the soft a sandy beach alone with my thoughts, on this beautiful Valentine’s Day.  knowing the journey I have been on has taken me to
extraordinary places in my life, I still feel a little lonely today.  the couples walking hand in hand on the beach seem to be coming out in droves or am I just noticing them, because I don’t have any ones hand to hold?
They stop for a moment and give each other that loving kiss, that says, “I’m glad you are part of my life.”
I miss that. But I have come to realize I never had it to begin with; not really. I was the romantic one. I put together those special days those special nights.  But my out-pouring love was not reciprocated.  No one  looked lovingly into my eyes and said, “I love you.”  Oh yes, they wrote it in a card, but words are just words if there is no action behind them.
So… to be sitting on the beach alone in a place that’s not my home maybe isn’t so bad.  I don’t have to feel the hurt from someone who doesn’t know how to appreciate and respond to my loving gestures. 
So,  I will sit here and enjoy the peacefulness of the waves as they go in and out attempting to touch me with their salty presence. The beauty and love I have found within myself is enough. Happy Valentines day to me and to all of you out there.

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberley Rae 🙂

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Somewhere Over the Rainbow…

Somewhere over the rainbow…  I know it’s just a song, but how many of us grew up with the notion that dreams really do come true?   Yours truly:)  Yes, I know, I’m a hopeless romantic. I blame my parents, they made me watch the Wizard of Oz every year it came on.  My mother read me every fairytale.  I was in love with  princes.  They would always rescue me when my life got rough and I got scared.  My dreams saved me.  And then reality hit.  “What do you mean there aren’t any handsome princes????”  Who is going to save me???  Ahhh, the burning question.  The answer is, I have to save myself.  I  can’t  depend on someone else or a fictional dream. That has only confused my psyche on what is real and what is pretend.

In my last relationship, I always said he was my handsome prince.  He rescued me from my self-doubt, pity, you name it.  I fell in love deeply.  Like I did in my dreams.  I had my fairytale, so I thought.  Or was I just living in a false reality?

I find myself still sitting at the beginning of the rainbow.  I want a relationship, I think I’m ready for one, but nothing is happening.  I can’t seem to take a step.  A friend sent me the saying below and it gave me a jolt.  He is still on my mind.  Not on purpose.  I don’t want him to be.  I have moved on.  I go about my life doing many things.  So why is he still in the deep recesses of my thoughts??

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Is this why I can’t seem to get to the other side?  I think he will always  have a special place in my heart.  He was my prince after all:)  But I can go on.  I have gone on.  I don’t want him back.  The man he has become is not someone I would even entertain.    Maybe I’m afraid to see what is  on the other side of the rainbow.  I must be guarding my heart.  I have to take the armor off or I’ll never get to the other side.  Then I think, maybe I had my one chance at true love and that is all I get.   I guess I’ll never know until I tear the walls down and start journeying over that rainbow.  God has my back.  I do believe he has a great plan for me.  I secretly hope  someone to share my life with is part of the plan:):)

 

“Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true.”

I’ll keep you posted:):)

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae

Moving Forward and Accepting the Past.

 

Time has passed.

you left my world,

my space, my heart

but…

you are still here.

Part of you will always be with me.

I struggle with this,

but I have moved on.

 

You sneak into my thoughts;

my dreams

and my existence

in ways I do not understand. 

 

I miss your words, your sense of adventure,

your inspirational spirit,

but I have moved on.

 

I believe you are my soul-mate

But sadly, YOU have moved on. 

And I have accepted that:)

Life is ever changing

and My life is pretty awesome!!

 

Kimberly Rae

 

Facing the Storm’s in Life

Have you ever come to a point in your life when you knew something was missing?  You felt an emptiness, a void that you could not explain?

I can’t put my finger on any one thing, but my life is in limbo.  It is an unsettling place to be.  I trust God has a plan for me and I want to do what he feels is right for where I am in my life.

My interview for teaching in the middle east is this Wednesday.  The work getting to this point has been overwhelming at times and costly.  My passport went missing on Thursday.  It mysteriously vanished from my documents folder.  Not sure if someone took it or what happened.  I am just going to chalk it up to the nastiness (from someone I don’t even know) that has been plaguing me the past 2 years.  Because I can’t explain that either.  Onward and forward I move.  I have applied for an expedited passport at an ex-orbited amount of $400.00.  The paperwork and time involved in this is more than I had expected.  Again, doing my best to stay positive.

At this point I do not know what direction my life is going until I know if I am going to Abu Dhabi or not.  I know I have to move from my current place of residence either way.  So… do I pack to move out of the country and store my things, or do I pack to move to another apartment?

As I contemplate all of this, the question remains; what is missing in my life?  A new adventure?  A man (the right man) to share my life with?  A different job?   I don’t know.  I am kind of free falling right now, and I just have to trust that God will catch me when my new journey has revealed itself.

All I know is that my journey is going to take a new path.  Change has to happen for growth to take place.  I’m not afraid of change because I know God has my back.   So… I am going to head into the storm  and face what I have to in order to grow.

The story below is a good one and one I take out and read from time to time.  I found it again to today.  I think I was meant to find it:)  Maybe it will speak to you:)

“An old cowboy said he had learned life’s most important lessons from Hereford cows.  All his life he had worked cattle ranches where winter storms took a heavy toll among the herds.  Freezing rains whipped across the prairies.  Howling, bitter winds piled snow into enormous drifts.  Temperatures might drop quickly to below zero degrees. Flying ice cut into the flesh.  In this maelstrom of natures’ violence most cattle would turn their backs to the ice blasts and slowly drift downwind, mile upon mile.  Finally, intercepted by a boundary fence, they would pile up against the barrier and die by the scores.

“But the Herefords acted differently. Cattle of this breed would instinctively head into the windward end of the range.  There they would stand shoulder-to-shoulder facing the storm’s blast, heads down against its onslaught.

“‘You always found the Herefords alive and well, ‘ said the cowboy.  ‘I guess it’s the greatest lesson I ever learned on the prairies –just face life’s storms”

Similarly, if we face up to our individual adversities or hardships, they can become a source of blessing.  God will not give us adversities we cannot handle, and he will bless us richly for patiently doing the best we can in the circumstances.

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae

 

Thank You 2013!!!

The ornaments slowly come off the tree, one by one, as they are individually wrapped, each holding its own memory from Christmas’s past.  I wrap them even more carefully as they will be snug in their box for a few years; they will not be hanging on any tree.

2013 has been a year to remember.  A year of growth and adventures.  A year of loss and lessons learned.  A year of  letting go of things and people who only God can take care of.  As we are the architects of our own life, I choose to keep building mine.

When I started this blog, I was barely able to see the light of day, to take the next step, to get out of bed, to smile.   The torment and the harassment over the past few years has only strengthened me and my faith in the Lord.  Instead of retaliating I wrote.  I didn’t share half of what I had been through, but I did share the lessons I had learned from it all and hopefully reaching some of you.  Life isn’t about revenge or getting back.  It’s about giving, loving, and forgiving.  I’m not saying it didn’t hurt, but I didn’t let it break my building down.  The one I so lovingly had begun to rebuild.

God has shown me many small miracles this past year.  I live in the moment and cherish my time that He has given me.  I volunteer, I shine my light and try to light up a sad face when I can.  My students always brighten up my day.  And here I was a little afraid to teach those little 2nd graders.  But God knew it was what I needed.  I have learned so much from that experience.

All of this has brought me to this place; to my new adventure.  All my belongings will be packed away.  I will be going to another country to teach.  As I continue to build my life, I have decided this is the best way to exit my career as a teacher in the public school system.  After 29 years in the classroom, I know I have touched many lives.  I want to take my experience and love for children to another place.  I want to make a difference somewhere else.  I know I will learn and grow from this new adventure.  God has so wonderfully put me on this path.  He has given me the confidence, strength, and courage to build my life even higher.

As much as I have learned this past year, the most important, is my total faith in the Lord.  I don’t fear anything.  I live my life to the fullest and smile on all those who have come and gone in my life.

May you reach out, reach high and go for it.  2014 will be an awesome year!!!

Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.”

Happy New year!!

As always, Keep hiking to the top!!

Kimberly Rae

 

Christmas Magic*****

As the remains of Thanksgiving sit in zip lock bags and in numerous containers of Tupperware in the fridge, the Christmas season unfolds.  The gold, yellows and browns are tucked carefully away as we pull out those red and green containers full of Christmas Magic!

The tree is trimmed, the shopping begins and the house is adorned with magical colors of the season; and we wish upon the star at the top of the tree for some Christmas magic!!  Or maybe a miracle.

What is Christmas magic?  Does it really exist?  For some, it could just be the feeling this time of year gives you.  It could be the smile on a young child’s face when they see Santa, or maybe the music that seems to be heard everywhere to remind us of this special time of year.  I suppose it is different for all.  But for me, it is about the first gift of Christmas.  And what is that you might be thinking.  It is  a child; our Lord Jesus Christ.

Children are gifts from above.  I truly believe that.  We never know how long those gifts will stay with us on earth, so we need to treasure them every minute; never knowing when they might not be with us anymore.

My Christmas wish, magic, or miracle for this year, came early.  I have prayed for my daughter to find happiness; to smile again; to laugh, and just to enjoy her life.  I look at all the wonderful miracles God has given me over the years and now it’s her time.  Talking with her yesterday, her voice was smiling; the happiness came bounding through the phone, and she was laughing.  “Mom, I have never been more happy, than I am now.  Thank you for helping me get to where I am and for believing in me.”  The tears flowed from my smiling eyes.  I thanked God, over and over.  The joy in my heart is more than I can express.  So… I’m good.  I have all I want and appreciate the little I have, because my daughter sees life through a much happier lens:)

So, if you’re skeptical  and you don’t quite believe, then open your eyes.  The Christmas magic is all around you.  You just have to believe that anything  is possible!!

Blessings to all of you this Christmas Season!

Kimberly Rae

A Moment to Cherish

The sun began to peek in through the small hole in the curtains.  I quietly slipped out of bed not wanting to unwrap myself from the warm blankets from the bed my parents used to share.   It is now home to my sister and me; A place of momentary solitude if I’m lucky.

I make my way to the kitchen only to find just enough cereal for my sisters and brother.  A glass of milk for me will have to suffice.   They need the nourishment more than I. I make our lunches; a thin slather of peanut butter on dry bread, wrapped in tin foil.  I set them on the counter ready for school; No fancy lunch boxes or a paper sack, just a square piece of bread enveloped in aluminum. The sun is saying good morning as I open the drapes and wake them up.

Grabbing our lunches, bundled in the warmest clothes we have, we are off to school.  The frozen grass crackles beneath our feet as we walk closely together to stay warm.  The Christmas season is upon us.  The holiday decorations adorn the blocks that lead the way to the 6 and half hours of learning; school 🙂

I turn ten today; although some days I feel like 35.  I don’t want to be 35.  When I’m 35 I don’t have time to be a kid; to play or to just have fun.   But I need to be there for my brother and sisters. I’m all they have when my mom is working long hours at the two jobs that manage to keep a roof over our heads and just enough food to keep us going.

Sitting in class, pretending to listen, my thoughts are drifting to what can I make for dinner tonight, what book I will read before they go to bed and I know we have to finish a project my sister is working on.  And that’s when I feel like I am 5 and I long for someone to take care of ME.  And when the tears start to well up, I feel like I’m 3 and I pretend my mother is wrapping her arms around me and telling me it will be alright.

I find a quiet space in the cafeteria to eat my lunch.  The kids make fun of me because I only have a sandwich, so eating alone is just easier. My shy personality doesn’t allow me to be confident let alone social.  I pull out my sandwich and carefully open the foil.  I savor it as if it is Pastrami on Rye; my mouth is watering.  I bite into the dry bread with a hint of peanut butter and chew slowly.  My mother always says if you chew your food slowly you’ll be full faster and considering I didn’t have anything else to pull out of the hat, I made a meal out of my peanut butter delight.

The bell is attempting to tell us school is out.  It sounds as if it is on its last leg and about to hit bell heaven, but we are all used to it by now.  I race out of class to get my little sister who is in 1st grade.  The other two met me at the library; if you want to call it that.  It isn’t any bigger than the small classrooms we inhabit for most of the day.   But the room is lined with books and Mrs. Gardner always waits for me so I can check out the next adventure I will go on.  She knows how much I love to read.  Reading is my escape from the reality I have to live in.  And in a book I can be any age I want; wear the prettiest dresses, have a new home with a mom and a dad and go on adventures; I love adventures!  I always get books to read to my brother and sisters too.  That is our nightly ritual; bedtime stories.  I love that peaceful time when we snuggle together and I take them away to another place.

The day has warmed a bit since our chilly walk in the morning; as we take our time walking home admiring the decorations.  We pick out our favorites and pretend one of the houses is ours. We each have our own room, a big bed and lots of food on the table.  We are dreamers, but that is all we have.  The hope in our eyes is always there especially when we play pretend.

Night is upon us; homework is finished; I make sure they have their baths, story time and then off to bed for the three of them.

The day is winding down and this is my time, my moment to be by myself.

I take my book and feel drawn to our old but beautiful tree.  The gold and blue lights brighten up the tree with all of our creatively decorated ornaments; some plain and some maybe a bit too ornate, but beautiful just the same; we love it.

I lay down with my head under the bottom bow; my book in hand and escape to another place.  The room is dark except for the gold and blue illuminating my space. I feel at peace; I feel warm and safe.  I feel a Devine power with me under that tree at this moment and I know his arms are wrapped around me as I am feeling five again.  I feel as if all is right and I am where I am supposed to be.  I don’t want to leave.   I know now that we will be OK.  I feel loved.  Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me!

Every Christmas when I put up my tree, I turn off all the lights and let the colors from my tree bring magic to the room.  I lie underneath my special tree and remember that moment when I was ten.  Because sometimes I just want to feel warm, safe and loved like a kid again.

Do you have a cherished moment in your life?  Think about that.  What great feelings did it bring to you?

May the Holiday season bring more great moments to your life:)

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae

On the Edge of Christmas

The pumpkins sitting outside my door found a new home today, in the huge dumpster that sits behind my house.  The fall colors still linger inside my carefully decorated home, but the red seems to be making a more positive statement in my decor as if to say, THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE!!!

Thanksgiving is just around the corner; the holiday movies are already making their debut, and you can’t walk into a store without seeing decorated trees and every kind of decoration you can imagine.

Is it too soon????

Maybe all the hype and hoopla to get you to buy early, but the feeling I get from the holiday season is something I cannot explain.  And maybe you feel the same way.  I wish we could just bottle it up and spread it all over throughout the year.  Why is it that people only feel like giving, helping, and being kind at this time of the year?  Why can’t we be like this all year long?  Just think what the world would be like if we did:)

I decided I’m  going to be that kind, generous person all year long.  It feels good to give and volunteer your time.  I have already been doing that, and I love the feeling I get when I spread joy through my giving to others.

So… as we sit on the edge of Christmas, and all that comes with it, how will you spend the rest of the year? and the months after that?

The best way to live life is to take some risks.  So take a step out of your comfort zone; live a little and spread some joy!  It can only put a smile on your face:)

May the joy the holiday brings, smile upon you all year long:)

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae

 

The End of a Season

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I sit quietly on the edge of the crystal clear spring watching the leaves who have lost their color, fall slowly onto the clear water below.  They remind me of snowflakes drifting from above, not one, like the other.  It’s God‘s way of saying it’s time to move on; Winter is coming.  I take my hiking shoes off and dip my worn feet into it’s coolness.  The leaves go floating by as if little boats on their way to another destination.  It is peaceful; serene.  If I knew no one would chance by, I would take my clothes off and be one with nature and float with the leaves.  Sometimes it’s just fun not knowing where you are going:)  I like that kind of spontaneity.  Which is why I hiked all the way down to the natural springs to find it.  Being in the outdoors always centers me and brings me closer to God.  The beauty here is breathtaking.  Some may not see it that way, as the trees are almost all brown.  A little yellow and orange peak in every now and then, but the vibrant red is no longer.  I see beauty all around me, as I sit here feeling okay, as I am about to embark on the holiday season without that someone special again.  For a moment, I feel a little sad, but it goes away, because I have so much to be thankful for. God has put so much in my life and has allowed me to experience just as much.  I have great family and a few good friends and of course, my undying love for those Hallmark Christmas movies.  LOL  I know, corny and unrealistic.  But the hopeless romantic in me will always be there.  I get joy out of seeing two people find each other in the midst of the hustle and bustle of the holiday season.  It all puts a smile on my face.

The leaves are moving on, the snow will begin to fall and new life will spring up all over again.  And I will be there to see it all unfold.

So… find your peace/joy/happiness this holiday season.  The leaves have fallen, the turkey will show itself soon, and the evergreens will smell so amazing!!!

May you smile everyday this season:):)

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae

Choice, Chance, Change

“Keep walking as long as you can, then take one more step.”  That has been my philosophy for the past 2 years.  The hardest and most challenging can be the “one more step.”

We all have a choice, to take a chance, to change.  If we don’t change, we don’t grow.   Oh… we can rearrange the proverbial box over and over thinking that we are making some great strides in our life, but really… we are just in denial about things we do not want to face.  To change, we need to take the lid off and breathe new air, new life to our boring tired existence.  Because really, we have just been existing.  Is that you?  Do you know of someone like that?  Sadly I do.

If we want to be happy, we have to take the time to learn who we are.  Most of us won’t waste the time to look into ourselves; to dig deep.  Because if we do, we might not like what we see.  But to grow we need to see the good with the bad.  So… when you take the lid of your box, (you know, the one you’ve been living in) it might be a bit scary.  Not Halloween scary, or spooky scary but scary non the less.  You have to face what you see, experience, feel.  You cannot run away or back into your box, that is the easy way out and what a lot of us do. We let our fears drive us and sometimes define us.   We go back to our comfort zone and we don’t deal with our shit.  And so, there we are again, back to rearranging our box and pretending that we have changed, progressed, moved one; whatever you want to call it.

I know I have made drastic changes in my life.  The lid came off immediately.  I wasn’t going to stay locked up in a box alone.  I knew I had to find myself.  It took time and that “one more step”  many times.   I made the choice, and I took the chance, to change my life.

I find myself at a crossroads again.  I’m still living way outside of the box, but I feel an emptiness in my life.  I need to push through any fears I have and just go for it.  So I applied to teach in Africa; yes Africa.  It is a bit scary, but exciting at the same time.  I feel it is the adventure I need to move even further in my life.  It’s that “one more step”  and as I said, it can be the hardest one.  I will be away for 2 years.  I can come back once a year.  I feel it is the direction that God is wanting for me.

As  much as I would love to share my life with someone, I feel it isn’t in God’s plan right now.  Going to another country, somewhere I do not know, will allow me to find more of who I am.  I trust in the Lord and that he knows what is best for me.

So… if you want to change your life look for the good things God has put in front of you and more will come your way.  You have to find your happiness from within; until you do, you will just be rearranging the inside of the box.

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae