Don’t Cage the Butterfly

The beautiful black and orange Monarch flutters by as I freely hike into the unknown.  He seems to be watching over me. Or maybe he’s enjoying the path I chose to take today.  He’s free to come and go as he likes.  I look at my life synonymous to the butterfly.  We all transform throughout our life.  We grow and become different people.  Some more colorful than others, but all out there trying to live their life they way they feel is best.  No one can take that away from them unless…  A little boy sees that beautiful butterfly flying around touching the reds, golds, and greens of the garden, cups his hands around the orange and black and puts the beauty in a jar to admire and watch.  Sadly his freedom is now taken away.  He can only flutter within the confines of the glass jar he was placed in; not by choice.

I find myself in that glass jar today and for a while maybe.   My freedom to roam the many trails just waiting for my footprints are no longer.  I’m trapped in the jar, looking out at all I am missing.  I have air holes.  I can breathe in the fresh air, but I can’t walk in it.  My fragile vertebrae, like the butterfly’s, have fused together.  As I sit here at my computer, the pain ripples up my spine.  My years of adventure and exploring have caught up to me.  The trails will not feel the life I bring, this year.  What are my options?  I feel as if my wings are about to fall off.  I can’t flutter anymore.  I have to look at my life through a different lens.  I won’t let the little boy keep me caged.  I will find a way to be on the trails again, to kayak down a river, to explore the unknown.  This butterfly has a lot more life to live.

My color will flourish.  I will shine again.  The lid will come off and I will fly.  The mountains will feel my footsteps again.

Keep hiking to the top!

Kimberly Rae

 

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What is Your Missing Piece?

What is keeping you from moving forward with your life?  A question we all need to ask ourselves from time to time.  Many times we think we are on our way when the quick sand of life keeps dragging us down and we don’t even know it.  And then we wonder why nothing seems to be going right, you’ve lost your focus, your partner leaves you, and life just seems pretty crappy.

We can’t blame others for our messed up reality.  We played a part in there somewhere.  The difficult part is looking deep within to find out what YOUR part was.

What’s holding you back?  It could be small piece you haven’t dealt with or it could be a series of things that you’ve just let go in hopes that it would all go away.

Family is important and when we lose that connection to some of our family our life does suffer.  We say it doesn’t, we blame them, they just don’t get it….  I could go on, couldn’t I?  But that’s a big chunk of who we are.  Pretending they don’t exist or shutting them out of our life is making our life that much better????  I think not.

The hardest part is looking in the mirror, is forgiving, saying your are sorry; all of it.  No one said living your life was going to be a piece of cake.  I am a firm believer that we need to heal the hurt inside of us before we can truly move on.  Is there someone in your life that you need to reconnect with?  Say your sorry to? or Forgive?  Sometimes you just need to let things go in order to reconnect.  Get that part of you that is lost, back.  Don’t say, “It’s not a big deal.” or “He/She won’t listen to me.”  How do you know? They may be hoping you take the first step.   Everything is worth one try at least.

Stand up! Take the first step to get back your missing piece.  Your life is waiting:)9578_10151526738347384_1589932247_n

 

As always, keep hiking to the top!

Kimberly Rae

Departing Friends

63098_615062635188303_103027800_nI sat atop the tall red chair in the front of my classroom. I began to read a page in a book that has a great message about life.  I’m always sharing life lessons with my students. I think I chose this one because I was struggling with it in my life.  Words can hurt more than we know.   The words were coming out of my mouth but I wasn’t hearing them.  The colors in the room began to run together and instead of 29 students I was seeing  numerous heads attached to one body.  I fell to the floor or gracefully put myself there.  29 caring young boys and girls came running over to me.  In that moment I felt so needy but yet so loved.

Why was this happening to me?  I was perfectly fine this morning.  As I look back at the week, I realize I didn’t sleep well, and I was gone almost every night; I think trying to escape what was really going on.  It is easy to say “Let things go” and I say it a lot to myself and others, but we are only human and sometimes our emotions take over.  I think our bodies have a way of telling us when we need to slow down and take a look at where we are at and what is taking over our thoughts. I’m going to be sad for a moment.  We are allowed to be sad, we just can’t linger too long or it will over take our emotions and ability to keep moving forward.  So just before I fell into a deep sleep, I shed a few tears and let the emotions flow out.  I took my moment:)  I slept for 4 hours.   I woke up refreshed, but I needed to deal with the WHY of it all.

 

I know that when you lose someone in your life, some of your friends will go with them.  But that already happened. It’s been almost 2 years. I have forgiven and moved on.  But when  negative things about you start to surface in your work place and from people you are still friends with, It is hard to let that go.  When you work in the same school district as the person you were with, things get back to you.  Hurtful words coming from him; still hurt.  I have lost 3 friends in the past month because of those words.  I know if those people were meant to still be in my life God would have kept them there.  We are human.  I don’t think it matters how old we are, slanderous words still have an effect on us.  But then we need to learn from that, don’t we?

 

As I sit here on this Friday night, I am missing the friend I was supposed to be entertaining.  It saddens me that he would believe what he has heard and that the person from my past has to make me look bad to exist in his messed up reality.  I would never do that to him.  I guess I expected more from a man who truly did love me at one time.  The barrage  of things thrown at me this week were maybe a little more than my psyche could handle.  Sleep is such  a great elixir;  isn’t’ it?  It gives your thoughts and emotions a break.  I think I just needed to shut down for a while.

I always find my focus and my center on the trail.  I look forward to tomorrow when I hit the rim country with a friend, to be one with nature and the beauty that will surround us.

479696_234370956697857_657315989_n God knows what he is doing in my life and I accept that.  My light will continue to shine as I wear my scars proudly, to show that I have healed.  My armor is strong;  I have pulled out the bullets that tried to penetrate my heart.  He cannot touch me anymore.  I am Titanium.

So farewell to my friends who have moved on as I welcome in the new, that may not have crossed my path yet.

God is watching over me and He’s brought me to where I need to be:)

 

Keep hiking to the top!

Kimberly Rae

 

 

Life… As it Goes

I sit quietly in the sterile ICU, watching over him. His shallow breathing and the annoying beep of the monitor is all that seems to permeate my senses. The curtain moves as the squeaky tennis shoes show themselves. “I just need to see how he’s doing.” The kind, soft-spoken, nurse, touched my shoulder, as if to tell me these are his last hours. I suppose she is trying to comfort me; to tell me in a nonverbal sort of way, you need to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready to let go.

“He was just fine yesterday” as I silently talk to myself. He was laughing and telling jokes like he always did. It was just routine he said.

I covered up his frail almost lifeless body with the heated blankets. But the cold still crept in. I knew the pathways to the heart were narrowing; The roadways to life were no longer flowing freely. The spark of life was dimming.

I want to cry, but if I do, he’ll know it is the end.  My heart tells me he already knows. He grabs my hand gently and whispers, I love you. Kim, I don’t think I am going to make it; I can’t accept that. “You’ll be fine, just rest.” I can’t agree with him even though I know, I think I know, that this could be his final hour. If I give in, then he will really be gone. I have to give him hope; I have to encourage him to keep living, I have to be positive, happy, and smile.  Don’t I?

He was crying and squeezing my hand with the little strength he had left. The squeaky sound was getting louder as it entered the room. “Visiting hours are over.” WHAT?? You are making me leave? Not now!!. “We’ll call you if anything changes.”

5:13 a.m, February 8th, I woke startled. I must have cried myself to sleep. The phone buzzed and the soft voice on the other end said, you need to come quickly, He has gone into cardiac arrest. The realization that he wasn’t going to live hit me so hard, I could barely see to drive from the tears that wouldn’t stop. I just kept praying that I would make it there in time.

I ran down the corridor hoping that I would make it in time to say goodbye. I couldn’t say goodbye last night. Why? I asked myself. I could have told him so many things.

I pulled back the curtain. I thought he was gone. There didn’t seem to be any life left in him. I sobbed as I kissed him. I told him how much I loved him. Five minutes later, like the last breath of a single flame, my Father was gone. “He waited for you.” The gentle voice added.

I lost the love of my life 8 months after that and my step father 5 months later.

We will never know when our last breath will be or when that special someone will no longer be a part of our life. So I continue to listen to my father and live my life everyday; Me, Myself, and I. And you know what? We are having a great time!!

We can take situations like these and drown in self-pity and sorrow, or we can pick ourselves up and keep moving. I chose to keep moving and so can you.

Sometimes letting go of the hurt and pain isn’t the hardest, it is the starting over .So don’t look at where you are as the end; look at it as a new beginning:)

Have faith, that God is guiding you every step of the way.

Keep hiking to the top!

Kimberly Rae

I felt my father very strongly today:) I needed to share:)