A Love Lost… Where Did it Go??

The cool breeze trickles through my window, as I sit staring off into the night.   It is an abnormally 65 degrees on a Wednesday, in sunny Arizona.  I’m relishing in the cool soft breeze as I know this will be the last for awhile.  I understand why it’s going away.  The earth has rotated.  The sun is in the right place for summer to begin. It’s going to be hot; very hot, here in Arizona.  We won’t see the coolness of the night for a very long time.  But I know it will return, with the falling of the leaves.

What I don’t know and what I don’t understand is why people who say they love us so much, hurt us the most.  They say they need space and then they leave, for something far less than you.   The love they had for us got lost somewhere.  What does that mean???

I dry my eyes from the tears that I shed moments ago.  My children are hurting.  I want to fix their pain; I want to take it away.  But I can’t.

What do you tell your six foot three son who is cradled in your arms crying because the woman he loved so much cheated on him?  You let him cry and you listen.  Because you know what it’s like to go through that.  You’ve been there.  And as you cry with him, that old hurt and pain begins to surface as he tells you the lies she has deceived him with.  You’ve heard them all before and you know she isn’t going to come back but you can’t tell him that, not yet anyway.  He will figure it out in his own time.  I, as all mothers would do, will continue to be there for him.

My daughter, who has struggled through life, found a man that she could truly love with all her being. She smiled and laughed with genuine sincerity.  I was so thrilled that this wonderful man loved my daughter so much.  But the happiness that radiated from her may not return with the falling of the leaves.   He too, needs his space and may have fallen to someone far less than the amazing woman, I call my daughter.  Again, the same words, the same stories, the same lies.  “He says, he just wants to work it out, but he still loves me.”  As I nod my head whispering to myself, I know, I know.  She cries some more and just doesn’t know how she is going to live without him.

I reacted.  Only within the confines of my 4 walls.  I screamed and cursed the 3 of them.  Those hurt feelings came back so quickly.  Does anyone work on relationships anymore or do they just walk away and take the easy way out?  No one puts any effort into love and all that should come with it.  They just try on another shoe.  And even if it doesn’t fit so well and is a little tattered they try to make it fit, because now its too late  to  take back the one they ignored and shoved in the closet.  The one that shined when they were around.  The one that was true and loyal and would have never left.  We shouldn’t take on the victim role. Because really, we are not the victims.  They are victims of their own stupidity and poor choices.  We, (my children) will pick up the pieces and move on.  I’m hoping that my healing can be an example for them to pick up the broken pieces of their lives and move forward.  I can only be there for them and continue to pray for the strength they will need to take the next step.

 

As always, keep hiking to the top!

Kimberly Rae

 

 

 

 

 

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My Heart Was in Love, But He Was Somewhere Else

I sit on the soft a sandy beach alone with my thoughts, on this beautiful Valentine’s Day.  knowing the journey I have been on has taken me to
extraordinary places in my life, I still feel a little lonely today.  the couples walking hand in hand on the beach seem to be coming out in droves or am I just noticing them, because I don’t have any ones hand to hold?
They stop for a moment and give each other that loving kiss, that says, “I’m glad you are part of my life.”
I miss that. But I have come to realize I never had it to begin with; not really. I was the romantic one. I put together those special days those special nights.  But my out-pouring love was not reciprocated.  No one  looked lovingly into my eyes and said, “I love you.”  Oh yes, they wrote it in a card, but words are just words if there is no action behind them.
So… to be sitting on the beach alone in a place that’s not my home maybe isn’t so bad.  I don’t have to feel the hurt from someone who doesn’t know how to appreciate and respond to my loving gestures. 
So,  I will sit here and enjoy the peacefulness of the waves as they go in and out attempting to touch me with their salty presence. The beauty and love I have found within myself is enough. Happy Valentines day to me and to all of you out there.

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberley Rae 🙂

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A Moment to Cherish

The sun began to peek in through the small hole in the curtains.  I quietly slipped out of bed not wanting to unwrap myself from the warm blankets from the bed my parents used to share.   It is now home to my sister and me; A place of momentary solitude if I’m lucky.

I make my way to the kitchen only to find just enough cereal for my sisters and brother.  A glass of milk for me will have to suffice.   They need the nourishment more than I. I make our lunches; a thin slather of peanut butter on dry bread, wrapped in tin foil.  I set them on the counter ready for school; No fancy lunch boxes or a paper sack, just a square piece of bread enveloped in aluminum. The sun is saying good morning as I open the drapes and wake them up.

Grabbing our lunches, bundled in the warmest clothes we have, we are off to school.  The frozen grass crackles beneath our feet as we walk closely together to stay warm.  The Christmas season is upon us.  The holiday decorations adorn the blocks that lead the way to the 6 and half hours of learning; school 🙂

I turn ten today; although some days I feel like 35.  I don’t want to be 35.  When I’m 35 I don’t have time to be a kid; to play or to just have fun.   But I need to be there for my brother and sisters. I’m all they have when my mom is working long hours at the two jobs that manage to keep a roof over our heads and just enough food to keep us going.

Sitting in class, pretending to listen, my thoughts are drifting to what can I make for dinner tonight, what book I will read before they go to bed and I know we have to finish a project my sister is working on.  And that’s when I feel like I am 5 and I long for someone to take care of ME.  And when the tears start to well up, I feel like I’m 3 and I pretend my mother is wrapping her arms around me and telling me it will be alright.

I find a quiet space in the cafeteria to eat my lunch.  The kids make fun of me because I only have a sandwich, so eating alone is just easier. My shy personality doesn’t allow me to be confident let alone social.  I pull out my sandwich and carefully open the foil.  I savor it as if it is Pastrami on Rye; my mouth is watering.  I bite into the dry bread with a hint of peanut butter and chew slowly.  My mother always says if you chew your food slowly you’ll be full faster and considering I didn’t have anything else to pull out of the hat, I made a meal out of my peanut butter delight.

The bell is attempting to tell us school is out.  It sounds as if it is on its last leg and about to hit bell heaven, but we are all used to it by now.  I race out of class to get my little sister who is in 1st grade.  The other two met me at the library; if you want to call it that.  It isn’t any bigger than the small classrooms we inhabit for most of the day.   But the room is lined with books and Mrs. Gardner always waits for me so I can check out the next adventure I will go on.  She knows how much I love to read.  Reading is my escape from the reality I have to live in.  And in a book I can be any age I want; wear the prettiest dresses, have a new home with a mom and a dad and go on adventures; I love adventures!  I always get books to read to my brother and sisters too.  That is our nightly ritual; bedtime stories.  I love that peaceful time when we snuggle together and I take them away to another place.

The day has warmed a bit since our chilly walk in the morning; as we take our time walking home admiring the decorations.  We pick out our favorites and pretend one of the houses is ours. We each have our own room, a big bed and lots of food on the table.  We are dreamers, but that is all we have.  The hope in our eyes is always there especially when we play pretend.

Night is upon us; homework is finished; I make sure they have their baths, story time and then off to bed for the three of them.

The day is winding down and this is my time, my moment to be by myself.

I take my book and feel drawn to our old but beautiful tree.  The gold and blue lights brighten up the tree with all of our creatively decorated ornaments; some plain and some maybe a bit too ornate, but beautiful just the same; we love it.

I lay down with my head under the bottom bow; my book in hand and escape to another place.  The room is dark except for the gold and blue illuminating my space. I feel at peace; I feel warm and safe.  I feel a Devine power with me under that tree at this moment and I know his arms are wrapped around me as I am feeling five again.  I feel as if all is right and I am where I am supposed to be.  I don’t want to leave.   I know now that we will be OK.  I feel loved.  Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me!

Every Christmas when I put up my tree, I turn off all the lights and let the colors from my tree bring magic to the room.  I lie underneath my special tree and remember that moment when I was ten.  Because sometimes I just want to feel warm, safe and loved like a kid again.

Do you have a cherished moment in your life?  Think about that.  What great feelings did it bring to you?

May the Holiday season bring more great moments to your life:)

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae

A Recipe for Life

Is there a cookbook for life, for parenting, for relationships for tomorrow even??????  Some days I wish there was.  There are just not answers for all  that comes at us.  We have to figure it out ourselves; with God’s help of course:)

I am sitting here in my office, although  I’m not sure I can call it that anymore since my daughter has moved in with me.  The bed has taken over and my desk and chair space have gone to some other office that I am not privy to use.  I haven’t written in a month.  Well, I have written, just on paper.  I haven’t been able to get to my computer.  She has temporarily  come out of the space she calls her cocoon, thank God she has emerged.  SHE IS ALIVE!

So I am in here frantically writing while I have my computer back for a short time anyway.  Life is hard, I know it is, but when your children are suffering you want to help; you want to console them.  I have felt her pain and ache for her.  Her relationship has ended due to dishonesty and cheating.  She now understands what I went through and has apologized to me for her impatience while I was getting over the man I loved.  “It’s going to take time” I tell her, but she has to get up everyday, and make some attempt at living.  We are so opposite in that area.  I have always picked up the pieces and kept moving, slowly at times but moving.  I was excited today, when I saw the door open and a body make a presence in the living room.

My strength, has always been from God.  She doesn’t have him; she doesn’t believe or have faith in anything.  I pray for her everyday.  I don’t know what happened to her to lose her faith.  (prayers welcome here:)

I went to two funerals this week; celebrating their lives of course but sad to see them go.  The friends and family in attendance abounded.  Not that I was surprised by the many who came to remember them.  They were both amazing people and children of God.  I started thinking that maybe I wasn’t doing enough to help others.  I always thought I have touched lives in some way.  I have always put myself last and taken care of others.  So now during the past two years that I have taken time for myself, I seem to be losing friends.  I haven’t neglected others but I have taken back some of that time to work on myself.  Is that a bad thing?  I didn’t think so.  I have one true friend and many acquaintances.  I have to ask myself, is there something wrong with me?  I like who I am.  If they don’t like the new strong, self assured Kim, then I guess they can go on their way.  I’m not perfect. But I smile at those I don’t know.  I walk with a positive attitude, and do my best to walk in God’s light.  I guess if Jesus was persecuted and still stood strong, so can I:)  I know He’s got my back:)
So… there isn’t a cookbook for life.  We just have to make our own recipe’s. Because, the ones we create ourselves are usually the best anyway, right?

Tomorrow’s is, a whole lot of smiles and bunches of positive, and God’s grace all around:)
What’s your recipe?

Keep hiking to the top,

 

Kimberly Rae

 

 

Are Your Thoughts Controlling You?

The things we think are the things that free our souls.  If we think on pure and lovely things, we shall grow pure and lovely like them; and the converse is equally true. ~Hannah Whitall Smith~

Did you ever have one of those days where you just were not yourself?  If we’re lucky enough to know who that is:)  Why were you in that place?  What or who put you there and can anyone really put you in a place?  Yes, if you let them or the situation.  We all have choices.  Controlling or redirecting our feelings and emotions are not always easy.

So after a day of blah,  I decided to start taking notes.  What am I doing or who am I with, where am I at, when I am feeling really good.  And then again when I’m feeling low or not so great.

I have a recording app on my phone. I would record when I was feeling happy or sad and talk about where I was, who I was with and tried to find a pattern of why my moods would change from one to the other.  A great little experiment I’ll have you know.

I came to realize that it wasn’t so much about where I was or who I was with as it was my thoughts, a game (as I like to call it) playing in my mind.  Your thoughts can be very powerful and get you going on a path that you don’t want to be on.  Pretty soon you’re looking over the edge and you start falling into that deep, sad, blah kind of place.  And who do you have to blame?  Yourself!  You let your thoughts get away with you.  They will have their way if you let them.  They just kind of creep up on you  and infiltrate your mind like an army out of nowhere.  I often say to myself,  it’s the Devil trying to get to me.

I find that when I am alone at home, my thoughts are everywhere.  I even talk to myself sometimes.  (I don’t answer myself though) LOL.  When I start doing that then I’ll really be concerned.  So I know I have to keep busy.  I write, I read, I work out, and I will watch a movie to take my mind somewhere else.  I listen to music and dance.  I know if I just sit there, in the quiet, I know where my thoughts are going to take me and I don’t want to go there.  So I cut the cord so to speak, in my head and let those thoughts drift away into God‘s hands.  I have begun to train myself or my thoughts to do that when I know I am drifting.  It does help.

With school about to begin I will have less time for my thoughts to drift.  Although I do think it is important to have some quiet time to think and ponder on the things we should be focusing on.  🙂  We need time to process, find our center and know where we are in our life.

Don’t let your thoughts control you:)

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, — meditate on these things, ~Philippians 4:8 NKJV

 

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae

Tragedy’s in Life

“The roots of tragedy lie in the smallest acts.”    

 

   

I awoke this morning to a message from a friend I’ve known since 5th grade.  Sadly she lost her daughter yesterday to a senseless act.  Her daughter not much older than my own children was a beautiful young woman.  It is heartbreaking when our children have to go before us.  Unfortunately I do know a few who have lost children and have managed to go on with their life but not to the fullest extent. Can we ever really get over losing a child?  Until you have children of your own, I do not think you can fathom the impact it will have on you.

I cannot relate but can only be there for her as she goes through this awful tragedy.

I do think it is times like these that help us put our lives into perspective; it should anyway.

Are you living your life?  Or are you just sitting around making lists and not doing anything to get where you want to go.  Or are you riding on someone else’s coat tails until you get to a place where you can take off on your own?  Have you spent time with your children; quality time that is.  Have you told the important people in your life that you love them?  Have you shown them what they mean to you?  I   believe   one of the most important is forgiving those that have wronged you or hurt you.  I know this is hard for some.  But at the same time so very important.  As I’ve said many times, we cannot move forward with our lives until we do.

I called my kids today and told them how much they mean to me.  I am going to spend the day with them tomorrow.  It is harder as they get older to spend time with them.  They are busy starting their lives, so we as their parents need to make that extra effort to see them.

I am saddened by the message I received this morning.  My prayers are with my friend as she has a long road ahead of her.  I will be there for her to hold, comfort, or to just listen.  As the tears start to flow, I know Jess is in a great place with the Lord above; life goes on.

So… get off the couch, start checking off that list, and live your life!

May you all have a blessed day

Keep hiking  to the top,

Kimberly Rae

Treasure the One You’re With

Being that it is Valentines Day tomorrow I thought I would share this story with you.  I think we give up on relationships too easily these days.  Look at who you are with and really see them.  Greet them each day as if it were their last; and love them like no other.

Happy Valentines Day!!!

 

MARRIED OR NOT, YOU SHOULD READ THIS …

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The sales girl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. If you are not in a relationship now, remember this for the second (or third) time around. It’s never too late.

Remember, It’s the journey that is the reward:)

Kimberly Rae