I wait
I wonder
I keep silent
I understand
I’m sensitive
I feel the pain
I’m not the cause
change is hard
letting go is harder
Move on, I say…
Let yourself move on.
Kimberly Rae
Tag: moving on
A Love Lost… Where Did it Go??
The cool breeze trickles through my window, as I sit staring off into the night. It is an abnormally 65 degrees on a Wednesday, in sunny Arizona. I’m relishing in the cool soft breeze as I know this will be the last for awhile. I understand why it’s going away. The earth has rotated. The sun is in the right place for summer to begin. It’s going to be hot; very hot, here in Arizona. We won’t see the coolness of the night for a very long time. But I know it will return, with the falling of the leaves.
What I don’t know and what I don’t understand is why people who say they love us so much, hurt us the most. They say they need space and then they leave, for something far less than you. The love they had for us got lost somewhere. What does that mean???
I dry my eyes from the tears that I shed moments ago. My children are hurting. I want to fix their pain; I want to take it away. But I can’t.
What do you tell your six foot three son who is cradled in your arms crying because the woman he loved so much cheated on him? You let him cry and you listen. Because you know what it’s like to go through that. You’ve been there. And as you cry with him, that old hurt and pain begins to surface as he tells you the lies she has deceived him with. You’ve heard them all before and you know she isn’t going to come back but you can’t tell him that, not yet anyway. He will figure it out in his own time. I, as all mothers would do, will continue to be there for him.
My daughter, who has struggled through life, found a man that she could truly love with all her being. She smiled and laughed with genuine sincerity. I was so thrilled that this wonderful man loved my daughter so much. But the happiness that radiated from her may not return with the falling of the leaves. He too, needs his space and may have fallen to someone far less than the amazing woman, I call my daughter. Again, the same words, the same stories, the same lies. “He says, he just wants to work it out, but he still loves me.” As I nod my head whispering to myself, I know, I know. She cries some more and just doesn’t know how she is going to live without him.
I reacted. Only within the confines of my 4 walls. I screamed and cursed the 3 of them. Those hurt feelings came back so quickly. Does anyone work on relationships anymore or do they just walk away and take the easy way out? No one puts any effort into love and all that should come with it. They just try on another shoe. And even if it doesn’t fit so well and is a little tattered they try to make it fit, because now its too late to take back the one they ignored and shoved in the closet. The one that shined when they were around. The one that was true and loyal and would have never left. We shouldn’t take on the victim role. Because really, we are not the victims. They are victims of their own stupidity and poor choices. We, (my children) will pick up the pieces and move on. I’m hoping that my healing can be an example for them to pick up the broken pieces of their lives and move forward. I can only be there for them and continue to pray for the strength they will need to take the next step.
As always, keep hiking to the top!
Kimberly Rae
Lingering Thoughts
The cool breeze whispers
through the slightly open window.
The clouds are lingering
and the wind chime sings it’s sweet song.
Memories of you sneak into my thoughts
as they do from time to time:)
You gave me eyes to see.
I was blinded by my past.
and you opened my world… and I fell in.
We are on two separate paths you and I.
I, knowing where I’m going; YOU??
Our paths may never cross or meet again.
But you’ll always be able to find me in your words.;)
Kimberly Rae
Letting Them Go…
Losing friends through a difficult time in your life is never easy. I know, I lost a few good friends along my healing journey. I believe they just were not able to listen to my hurt and pain any longer. They had to do what they needed to do to continue on their journey in life. And that has to be okay. We all need to take care of who we are. I know it took me a long time to get over my past relationship. But when you make that many memories with someone, it just doesn’t go away overnight.
I still miss them. There are times I wish I could just call them up and share some of my exciting growth news since I am in a great place in my life. But I can’t and I won’t. I respect their decision and what they had to do for themselves. They did help me a lot, especially during some of my roughest hours. They played a part in my healing and now I must let them go.
I am on a new journey now and we will make new friends. It’s all part of the growth that takes place as we move on with our life. We have to let some things go in order to bring on the new. For some, the journey has just begun. Enjoy all that it brings:)
Keep hiking to the top,
Kimberly Rae
A Well Ironed Pillow Case
What does that title have to do with life in general you ask? It’s just a place I’m in today. A mixture of feelings and emotions coming from different places and direction. I don’t hide my feelings/emotions. I blog about them to show you we are all human. When we repress those feelings/thoughts, etc… we stifle our growth and ability to change and move on with our life. So… I express them to you and myself and I take ownership for all of it. I deal with it and try to understand it, so I can keep moving forward:)
When I was younger, my step-mother would always iron her pillowcases. Everything had a crisp crease, even the hand towels. Coming from a home where I lived with my mother with very little (I’m not complaining just stating) an ironed pillowcase to sleep on made me feel like a princess. I felt luxurious. The smell of the pink, embroidered pillow case led me to a deep sleep of wondrous dreams. Kind of where I wanted to be today. So… I ironed my pillowcases. It gave me time to process my thoughts and feelings that were dominating my existence this morning. I managed to iron 6 before reality hit and I decided It was time to stop. But hey, tonight will be great right?
So… what brought me to ironing 6 pillowcases?????
I have worked hard on moving forward with my life after my ex left me. I have done my best to stay away from anything he might do or where he might be. And I am proud of how far I have come. But when you both have so many similar interest, you are bound to cross paths. I have many social media accounts and I follow a lot of the same people, books, authors, you name it, as he does, because we are a lot alike that way. His name came up a few times today as I was on my twitter account. I find it hard going to my Twitter or LinkedIn accounts because, SHE, the other woman, checks me out often and I have to see her face when I open my page. Not fun. His name comes up to connect and I have to see his face as well. With the way social media works today, it is hard to avoid those you wish not to see or hear from. Social media is actually how I found out he was cheating. So really, you can’t hide anymore or even go under the radar. Someone will always find you.
I still feel very connected to him. I feel his pain and unsettledness. (is that a word? It works for me.) My dreams at times are about him and his struggles. I’ve woken up crying because I feel he is going through something that he is having difficulty handling. I can’t explain this and some of you might not believe it, but it is so real. I had a shaman tell me a few months ago, that there was a lot of energy between he and I. We are soul mates and will always be connected. He is repressing it, I am not. So she says. I don’t know why. I don’t ask for it or want it. I pray to God and ask him to take that away, but it doesn’t leave me. So I have to ask myself, are we supposed to be connected for a reason? It’s that little piece that haunts me in a way. I send him positive energies and I always pray for him and wish him well.
I always keep it real. I don’t pretend that my life is perfect. My faith is strong and that is what keeps me going:)
I feel so much better after writing and sharing this with you. Thank you for reading and listening:)
I think I will feel like a princess tonight on my well ironed pillowcase:)
Keep hiking to the top,
Kimberly Rae
Tragedy’s in Life
“The roots of tragedy lie in the smallest acts.”
I awoke this morning to a message from a friend I’ve known since 5th grade. Sadly she lost her daughter yesterday to a senseless act. Her daughter not much older than my own children was a beautiful young woman. It is heartbreaking when our children have to go before us. Unfortunately I do know a few who have lost children and have managed to go on with their life but not to the fullest extent. Can we ever really get over losing a child? Until you have children of your own, I do not think you can fathom the impact it will have on you.
I cannot relate but can only be there for her as she goes through this awful tragedy.
I do think it is times like these that help us put our lives into perspective; it should anyway.
Are you living your life? Or are you just sitting around making lists and not doing anything to get where you want to go. Or are you riding on someone else’s coat tails until you get to a place where you can take off on your own? Have you spent time with your children; quality time that is. Have you told the important people in your life that you love them? Have you shown them what they mean to you? I believe one of the most important is forgiving those that have wronged you or hurt you. I know this is hard for some. But at the same time so very important. As I’ve said many times, we cannot move forward with our lives until we do.
I called my kids today and told them how much they mean to me. I am going to spend the day with them tomorrow. It is harder as they get older to spend time with them. They are busy starting their lives, so we as their parents need to make that extra effort to see them.
I am saddened by the message I received this morning. My prayers are with my friend as she has a long road ahead of her. I will be there for her to hold, comfort, or to just listen. As the tears start to flow, I know Jess is in a great place with the Lord above; life goes on.
So… get off the couch, start checking off that list, and live your life!
May you all have a blessed day
Keep hiking to the top,
Kimberly Rae
Coming Home
I went home this weekend. Up to the mountain I grew up going to every summer since I was a year old. I have referred to this magical place a few times in my blogs. It speaks to me and helps me put things into perspective.
I hiked up to my dad’s cabin; just a few miles from my brothers. I sit here on his deck quietly talking to him. He lays amongst the blooming irises; their beauty stares back at me as I talk with him.
The wind chimes sing their song as if they are serenading us as the wind blows softly through the pines.
I sit in his rocking swing where he would sit and read. I feel him next to me. I need to let go of the sadness from yesterday. I feel as if my dad is watching over me. He’s making sure my tears don’t flow unnecessarily again. 2 years ago today I sat on this deck numbed by the loss of the man I loved. As I look back… I see how far I have come. Thank you Lord for walking beside me. I made it to the other side; stronger and happier.
The chimes have stopped; their melody has softened. I hear the birds and the squirrels as they scurry for food. I remain in the rocker as the sun peaks through the soft white puffs that attempt to blanket the sky.
Peace washes over me; yesterday is gone and I have moved on.
My faith is the bridge to what God has waiting for me!
Let the chimes sing and the wind blow, I have yet to see all that God has waiting for me:)
Keep hiking to the top,
Kimberly Rae
Courage
“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
I believe this speaks to everything I have blogged about. Wherever you are at in your life be strong and let God give you the courage to find your peace:)
Have a fabulous week!
Keep hiking to the top,
Kimbelry Rae
Growth Comes in All Shapes and Sizes!
As I clip my snowshoe bindings tightly around my boot, I think, I know, most people won’t believe that I’m doing this alone. Most don’t believe what has happened to me over the past year or why people would do what they have done to me. I can’t answer that either. I don’t know why. I needed to get away. I find solace in the snow-covered mountains where I grew up. The quiet, the beauty, and the strength I get from these mountains, help center me.
I dig into the steep snow-covered road, that leads to my father’s cabin. I see the “A” frame as I round the corner; I smile. I stare at the trees surrounding the deck. I’ve measured my life by theses trees. As the snow lay heavily on their branches in attempts to weigh them down – life continues to breathe through each needle; they will continue to grow, as I do.
Something is trying to weigh me down. I am trying hard to fight it. Thoughts of the recent past keep creeping in. I don’t understand it. I’m over that never ending betrayal. I ask myself why would a human being continue to hurt another over and over when they loved that person so much, that they wept from the pain they caused? We can’t begin to explain or understand others; their thinking, or control their actions. We really can’t even ask why. because really, I’m sure they don’t even know. The pain they have caused comes from their skewed reality, insecurities, and fears. It has nothing to do with me or you. I know who I am. I have truly forgiven and moved on. My heavy heart is not from my own pain; that is long gone; but from his. A pain he cannot confess to himself or anyone else. He hides it well; he’s still searching. I can still feel him. I cannot explain that connection. It goes beyond my understanding. I keep asking God what he wants me to do with this. I may never know. I don’t want it. I can only pray for him, as I have moved on with my life:) I pray he will find his “Happily Ever After.”
I brush off the white powder that sits atop the stump beside the deck and look at my favorite tree that has grown up with me. It has some gouges, nicks, broken branches and it is not so green in some spots. I think we have lived a similar life; that tree and I. But the top is full of needles, green, and brand new, even with the new fallen snow lightly dusting each branch. My new branches have begun to grow. My path is full of new and exciting adventures. Maybe there isn’t a “Lived Happily Ever After” But what is most important is that you have lived. I have and will continue to live my life even with the snow that might dust my branches now and then.
I breathe in the crisp, cold air, brush of the snow that was trying to weigh me down. I feel free again. The sun is shining and new growth is popping up from the snow packed ground. New beginnings surround me!
“It’s not so much the destination as it is the journey.” ~ Kimberly Rae
Keep looking up and Keep hiking to the top!!
Kimberly Rae
Life… As it Goes
I sit quietly in the sterile ICU, watching over him. His shallow breathing and the annoying beep of the monitor is all that seems to permeate my senses. The curtain moves as the squeaky tennis shoes show themselves. “I just need to see how he’s doing.” The kind, soft-spoken, nurse, touched my shoulder, as if to tell me these are his last hours. I suppose she is trying to comfort me; to tell me in a nonverbal sort of way, you need to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready to let go.
“He was just fine yesterday” as I silently talk to myself. He was laughing and telling jokes like he always did. It was just routine he said.
I covered up his frail almost lifeless body with the heated blankets. But the cold still crept in. I knew the pathways to the heart were narrowing; The roadways to life were no longer flowing freely. The spark of life was dimming.
I want to cry, but if I do, he’ll know it is the end. My heart tells me he already knows. He grabs my hand gently and whispers, I love you. Kim, I don’t think I am going to make it; I can’t accept that. “You’ll be fine, just rest.” I can’t agree with him even though I know, I think I know, that this could be his final hour. If I give in, then he will really be gone. I have to give him hope; I have to encourage him to keep living, I have to be positive, happy, and smile. Don’t I?
He was crying and squeezing my hand with the little strength he had left. The squeaky sound was getting louder as it entered the room. “Visiting hours are over.” WHAT?? You are making me leave? Not now!!. “We’ll call you if anything changes.”
5:13 a.m, February 8th, I woke startled. I must have cried myself to sleep. The phone buzzed and the soft voice on the other end said, you need to come quickly, He has gone into cardiac arrest. The realization that he wasn’t going to live hit me so hard, I could barely see to drive from the tears that wouldn’t stop. I just kept praying that I would make it there in time.
I ran down the corridor hoping that I would make it in time to say goodbye. I couldn’t say goodbye last night. Why? I asked myself. I could have told him so many things.
I pulled back the curtain. I thought he was gone. There didn’t seem to be any life left in him. I sobbed as I kissed him. I told him how much I loved him. Five minutes later, like the last breath of a single flame, my Father was gone. “He waited for you.” The gentle voice added.
I lost the love of my life 8 months after that and my step father 5 months later.
We will never know when our last breath will be or when that special someone will no longer be a part of our life. So I continue to listen to my father and live my life everyday; Me, Myself, and I. And you know what? We are having a great time!!
We can take situations like these and drown in self-pity and sorrow, or we can pick ourselves up and keep moving. I chose to keep moving and so can you.
Sometimes letting go of the hurt and pain isn’t the hardest, it is the starting over .So don’t look at where you are as the end; look at it as a new beginning:)
Have faith, that God is guiding you every step of the way.
Keep hiking to the top!
Kimberly Rae
I felt my father very strongly today:) I needed to share:)
LiveBoldLife 