Choice, Chance, Change

“Keep walking as long as you can, then take one more step.”  That has been my philosophy for the past 2 years.  The hardest and most challenging can be the “one more step.”

We all have a choice, to take a chance, to change.  If we don’t change, we don’t grow.   Oh… we can rearrange the proverbial box over and over thinking that we are making some great strides in our life, but really… we are just in denial about things we do not want to face.  To change, we need to take the lid off and breathe new air, new life to our boring tired existence.  Because really, we have just been existing.  Is that you?  Do you know of someone like that?  Sadly I do.

If we want to be happy, we have to take the time to learn who we are.  Most of us won’t waste the time to look into ourselves; to dig deep.  Because if we do, we might not like what we see.  But to grow we need to see the good with the bad.  So… when you take the lid of your box, (you know, the one you’ve been living in) it might be a bit scary.  Not Halloween scary, or spooky scary but scary non the less.  You have to face what you see, experience, feel.  You cannot run away or back into your box, that is the easy way out and what a lot of us do. We let our fears drive us and sometimes define us.   We go back to our comfort zone and we don’t deal with our shit.  And so, there we are again, back to rearranging our box and pretending that we have changed, progressed, moved one; whatever you want to call it.

I know I have made drastic changes in my life.  The lid came off immediately.  I wasn’t going to stay locked up in a box alone.  I knew I had to find myself.  It took time and that “one more step”  many times.   I made the choice, and I took the chance, to change my life.

I find myself at a crossroads again.  I’m still living way outside of the box, but I feel an emptiness in my life.  I need to push through any fears I have and just go for it.  So I applied to teach in Africa; yes Africa.  It is a bit scary, but exciting at the same time.  I feel it is the adventure I need to move even further in my life.  It’s that “one more step”  and as I said, it can be the hardest one.  I will be away for 2 years.  I can come back once a year.  I feel it is the direction that God is wanting for me.

As  much as I would love to share my life with someone, I feel it isn’t in God’s plan right now.  Going to another country, somewhere I do not know, will allow me to find more of who I am.  I trust in the Lord and that he knows what is best for me.

So… if you want to change your life look for the good things God has put in front of you and more will come your way.  You have to find your happiness from within; until you do, you will just be rearranging the inside of the box.

Keep hiking to the top,

Kimberly Rae

Facing Change!

The light from the bathroom window peaks under the door as I lay in my bed at 2:16 in the morning.  I’m wide awake.  Why?  I ask myself.  The room is quiet.  I talk to God for a while.  I feel confident my mother’s surgery will go well, my daughter is safe in New York and my son is doing great so… Why am I staring at the fan blades as they rotate around over and over?

Life is ever-changing.  I think when we begin to get into a rut, God/the universe wakes us up with something we may not like to get our attention.  You have all seen my transformation from where I started to where I am now and I have grown through change and made it to the other side; but I’m still climbing that mountain.  I’ve been hit with more change than I want to deal with now.  I can’t run away from it, or brush it aside; it’s still going to be there.  I think it’s natural to want to run away sometimes.  It’s times like these you wish you had someone to hold you.

As always, I find solace in my hiking trips.   They help center me and help give me more of a focus on what I need to do.  This weekend as I venture into the rim country, I will attempt to find my focus.  There are some days (like today) I wish I was just lost in the woods where no one can find me; the creek is running and the trout are jumping.  The trees make their own sound as the wind rustles through them.  Music to my ears!  Alright!! Back to reality:(

Life deals us a hand every day.  We can choose to play it or not.  If we don’t, we are playing it safe and life isn’t going to take us very far.    Taking risks is a part of change and growth; scary as it may be at times, it lets you know you’re alive and that you can do anything you put your mind to.  

So life is dealing me a few hands here.  And I’m just not wrapping my head around one of them.  That is teaching 2nd grade for the first time in my life, in the last year of my career.  I don’t agree with the decision to move me there.  But I have no say in the matter.  I don’t want to say, “I don’t have a choice” because we all have a choice no matter what we are faced with.  I could just quit.  But then I wouldn’t have an income, so that won’t work for me.  The negative energy that this whole situation is giving off doesn’t work well for me.  So… I guess I just need to embrace it, accept it, and move on.  One more year!!  I can do this.

As I was writing this a friend of mine called and gave me some positive ways to look at this new change in my life.  Thank you to him for his words.

I purposely wore my read dress today to feel energized and ready to take on what ever came my way.  It always helps when I wear red.  I feel empowered:)

So as my day comes to a close I feel good.  I have so much to be thankful for, I shouldn’t feel any other way!  I can still hear the stream flow and the fish jumping!

 

Keep hiking to the top!

Kimberly Rae

Is Denial Controlling You?

“Delay is the deadliest form of Denial.” ~ C. Northcote Parkinson

I spent a sleepless night as this quote seemed to engulf my existence, my presence, my everything. “God must be trying to tell me something and I need to listen to what he wants me to hear.”  I  understood how it applied to someone elses life but not to mine.

Around 3:23 in the morning, it all made sense.  So God had to hit me upside the head a few times, but I got it.:)

In my relationship I was delaying what I knew was going to happen.  I did my best to live in this box and made sure nothing happened to break it.  Because if it did then the love of my life would be gone.  He was gone a while before he actually left anyway.  But I couldn’t bear to face the reality that he needed to move on.  I created my reality to keep him in it.  How many of us have done that or are doing it now?  We can’t be afraid to let go.  It only kept me from moving forward with my life.  I was in limbo and I didn’t know it.  But he knew it.  He knew I couldn’t grow if he stayed.  I know that was hard for him.  He could have just left and not cheated.  The way he went about it wasn’t the best, but I know he was just as confused. I think I always knew he wouldn’t stay.  I just wasn’t able to deal with it at the time.  And when you’re deep in it, you don’t see it.  It is never good to hold a grudge, hate, or seek revenge for any hurtful acts brought upon you.  Sadly for some of us, it is just a part of our life and we need to accept it and keep hiking to the top!

I have grown tremendously in the past year and a half.  My faith and trust in the Lord have been my saving Grace.

Don’t delay the inevitable.  Don’t become the king or queen of denial.  Make that decision, let go, move on with your life, and GROW!

Keep hiking to the top!!!

Kimberly Rae